I have friends who are trying out being married in a "companionate love" situation and they each have a Spice.
In my own marriage there are periods where the sex waxes and wanes.
My parent's marriage is learning to deal with sex fading away -- Dad has mental health issues.
So... again. Sex can be a component of marriage. But marriage is not just about sex.
Try reading some of the blogs
-- there are other poly people who have love/sex/romance and do NOT live or marry their people.
One of my old friends is that secondary guy -- he lives in his flat. His honey is married and lives with her husband. The hubby has his gf. They all do fine and have been this way (my friend and his married honey) and recently celebrated 5 years together.
I guess I'm still wondering why be poly at all? If the sex and intimacy is very good in one del. - why look for more. I understand in a bi or kink situation, but when I'm in love, I just want to be with that person.
In general? Or for yourself?
Only you can answer what you feel wired for and what shape you want your relationships to come as for you -- monoships or polyships or some other thing.
In general? I feel like this...
1) Polyamorous people come wired with the desire/ability to love more than one partner at a time. They will go -- why NOT? I have this ability. I don't have to exercise it. I could feel polyamorous -- and choose celibacy! I could choose monoship! I could choose a polyship! I am still polyamorous! The relationship shape chosen does not define the ability, capacity, adaptability or wiring of me.
2) Monoamorous people come wired with the desire/ability to love one partner at a time only. They will go -- well.... WHY? I have this ability. I don't have to exercise it. Monoamorous me could still choose celibacy for myself! I could also choose a monogamous relationship for myself. Or choose to be one arm of a "V" shape polyship arrangement. Or something else! The relationship shape chosen does not define the ability, capacity, adaptability or wiring of me.
3) So why bother asking why? In the end to me? People want whatever it is they want from their Life. It is their own life to live. They are free to choose. Go live it then. Yay!
When you write this...
But he's the only one who can assure me when I'm anxious, we have a child together, I consider his family my family - so breaking that apart just because I don't want to have sex or candle lit dinners with him seems silly.
But do I want to give up sex and romance entirely? Don't know. He seems ok. He would prefer we have sex, but he loves his GF and she's into his kink and she doesn't want more so...
It sounds like you are fine then in your arrangement with DH. Where is the problem? I do not understand what you are saying.
- Are you saying that you are not sure you can hack an open marriage or feel polyamorous? (Based on what? One Opening experiment? Maybe that one guy just isn't a runner. That's what dating is for. To find the match.)
- Are you saying you feel like if you love someone it must come in the monoship shape, and with DH in the slot of legal husband that prevents you from seeking what you want? A monoship shape because he's in the slot? He's ok with you dating? Do you need to be legally divorced to feel ok to date? So... get one? Then live together and coparent still. While you each date.
I guess I don't what sort of question you are asking so I don't know how to give feedback on that angle.
Please elaborate? What ARE you asking? Struggling with there?