I am trying to support you. But I perceive you are tangling up many issues together. Take them ONE at a time.
You and your husband have Opened Up with consent. So -- that was your solution to a companionate love marriage so you both can get your sexual needs met. Fair enough. On that side you are fine.
However the lover that you took on? Is not the best choice in lover there -- it's a messy situation, IMHO. I am not judging YOU. You asked for feedback on YOUR SITUATION.
My feedback on your situation of choosing your first poly lover to be a married guy with marriage issues? I would not pick that for myself. Too much messy potential. First poly lover and the odds a cheater will treat YOU well is what? Shaky ground at best.
I do not like drama in my life -- it is my preference/limit to not add to my anxiety issues where I can help it. I cannot help when it rains. I CAN help who I pick to date. *shrug*
So no -- I will not be dating a married person where I do not get the verify from the spouse that they are aware of my existence and they do consent to open/poly relationship and their spouse is free to date me. I can like them a lot, I can crush on them, I can sympathize with their situation and I can say to them "Aw... that stinks! I really like you a lot. So... Look me up when you are drama free. Will hope for the best in your situation as you get it resolved."
What does someone do if they are unhappily married but can't get divorced either- ?
Are you talking about your married lover that will not tell the spouse? If so? How about he be honest and up front about it?
"Hey -- I am not happy married to you. We cannot get divorced at this time because we cannot afford the paperwork costs, have to wait to sell the house, ...whatever it is that is the obstacle. We must wait. So we're having to be this way right now til we get to a place where we can split well.
Let's call some kind of truce til we can untangle ourselves here. But we are honest and know where we stand right now, at this Time, and at this Place. We are not ever getting back together. I am sorry. I intend to start dating at some point. Know this. I will want to start moving my life forward in the places in CAN move, even if in the legal places it's slower. You are free to do same."
You and your own spouse were able to be honest -- what's his deal? He can't be honest? Lies of omission are still lies. Why you wanna date a liar then? When do you wonder what lies of omission he does to you?
That can get really messy and dramatic!
If you report feeling terrible about it -- well, my suggestion is to stop doing the thing that makes you feel terrible then. Maybe it will alleviate your feeling terrible? Maybe not. It is STILL your life to run. Your choices are yours.
I know that people tend to judge people who date mono people
Not at all. Once upon a time I was the hinge with two monoamorous BFs. I don't judge you dating a monoamorous person at all. A monoamorous and a polyamorous can find ways to co-exist in harmony.
What you are dating here is a married cheating person, not a free single monoamorous person without baggage.
He may be monoamorous. And he may no longer love his spouse and love only you.
However he is dating without terminating his previous MONOGAMOUS contract and dissolving his legal marriage before pressing his suit on new people. He does not tell his wife. So you know he breaks promises and he does lies of omission. This makes him a good poly lover choice because...? Choosing to date him is you looking out for your own well being by....?
You deserve to be treated with respect, love, and kindness, right? Treat YOURSELF right then. And tell him "great! Look me up when you are free!"
Or you want some crazy wife with a gun to come after you? Talk about dramatic! Ugh.
Date all the monoamorous people you want to date -- but non-messy monoamorous people without drama baggage. That is my suggestion.
I am sorry you are hurting right now. I know hurt can make things hard to see clear. But I commend you for trying. Keep going! Don't stop thinking it out for yourself. Hang in there.