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Old 10-03-2012, 06:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,275

All this has made me think - am I truly poly?
"Polyamorous" to me is the ability to love more than one person.

Polyamorous relationship configuration is the shape/style of the "polyship" to me.

Ethical or unethical -- is self explanatory.

Do I need to be single so that I can form another relationship that can go "all the way?"
All the way to WHAT? Sex? Loving? Ethics? Living together? Shared finances? Making children together?

How do I come to terms with my primaries desire to bring his secondary more into our lives?
You tell him YOUR preferences and limits and you come to compromise if you BOTH want to go there. If one of you does not want to go there, the other respects that limit.

However, he desires to be full on poly and make his lover part of our household (we have two children) not to move-in but to hang out with all of us. I am not interested in doing this. I prefer to keep our love lives separate. We also (the two of us) have stopping having sex, which I am fine with (we sleep in separate rooms).
To me this means you share companionate love with your husband. You also share a household. You also share a known, consenting polyship that is currently in a "V" shape with him as the hinge person. This relationship shape has you as the live in wife as one of his "V" arms. The GF is not live-in but is one of his "V" arms.

You are her metamour. You prefer to keep it at the polite but not tight place.

What he NEEDS to understand is that he can express his feelings and wishes but YOU and the GF determine how the (you <--> GF ) tier of this polymath tier plays out. NOT HIM.

So if you don't want to go there, you don't want to go there. Period.

If he pushes you to do something against your preference, your will, your limit? He is being fresh and not respecting your preference, your limit or YOU. Period.

If you don't sleep with your primary is that even a poly relationship?
Yes. Polyamory is about loving people. It is not about sex. Sex is a part of marriage. Marriage is not only sexing up each other.

There is more than one kind of love -- I subscribe to love theory.

You sound like you share companionate love with your husband at this point. You share finances, a home, mind intimacy, and emotional intimacy. Just not body imtimacy.

I am dating someone but not having sex because the person is in a mono relationship. I know this is breaking a code, and I feel terrible, but he''s truly unhappy in his relationship and I have a hard time connecting with people.
So you are in a cheating affair because his spouse does not know you are his GF on the side? You know this is wrong and feel bad about it? And your explanation of the unethical behaviour is:
  • It is ok for him to lie to the spouse because he is unhappy. (Versus ethically telling the spouse of his unhappy and working it out in appropriate ways)
  • It is ok for you to lie to the spouse as an accessory to the fact because... you have a hard time making connections to other people? (versus telling your BF to deal with his relationship with the wife -- come clean and get her consent or break up. But resolve THAT before stating a new thing with you -- a CLEAN new thing.)

Your explanation does not shine with ethics or honesty. I would not do this in my own life. But this is not my life.

If this is how you wish to behave in your life, that is your business. You are a grown up person.

If this is not how you wish to behave because it makes you feel terrible, why you do that behavior? Change your behavior. See how you feel.

I love my partner dearly and don't want to lose him, but I think I'm naturally mono and just interested in house holding with him more than being in a love/sexual relationship -- but that seems to limit what relationships I have outside the primary one.
Limits you HOW exactly? What freedom do you want that you do not already get? Please list in detail -- not to me but for YOURSELF.

If that list shows you that you are not cut out for polyshipping and have no interest? Then you just aren't and don't. That means you need to have a talk with husband. You have EVERY right to live your life how you want to. There is NOTHING wrong with monoships -- just have them be ethical ones so that you can feel good about the ones you are in.

Marriage is based on whatever the two married people want it to be for themselves.
The reason I am happier is that he has a sexual/romantic partner and I don't feel pressure to have sex or be romantic with him. Now that this pressure is lifted, I feel much closer to him. I always felt like I was forcing myself into feelings I don't have and I dreaded sex, rather than looked forward to it. I want all the wonderful things we have -we raise our kids and work well together, but romance isn't there for me.
So you are basically happy there? All your wants, needs, and limits being better met? What's the problem then? With the guilt thing of not ALSO having romance layer on there?

That's about it. Hope that feedback helps you.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-03-2012 at 07:07 PM.
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