UPDATE: As of two nights ago, the other husband knows. Apparently he and his wife first talked at length about what needed to happen for their relationship to improve, and since that conversation was going so well, she wasted no time breaking the news that she had feelings for someone else. When she said her feelings were for another woman, surprisingly he guessed my wife.
What he said and did next were hopeful, suggesting he can understand and accept nonmonogamy in their marriage. But it's early, and he only just got on the emotional rollercoaster I've been riding for a couple weeks now.
I'm relieved that she told him for several reasons. It demonstrates the seriousness of her feelings for my wife, which are mutual; that she respected me by abiding by my concerns that if he wasn't told and they cheated on him that that would make it difficult for me to trust them; and the correctness of her intuition that, if given the chance, her husband could handle the truth and come to the same conclusions I have reached.
In light of his nascent acceptance, I feel weirdly "not special" anymore. Until Monday night, I was the only one who knew of the budding affair between our two wives. I embraced that secret knowledge and tried to educate myself and them about what it may mean for us. I realized quickly that "us" had to include him; he needed to know what I knew, and sooner than not.
Now that he does know, and he is responding in an enlightened and accepting manner, I feel odd. I know it would have been a huge mistake for our wives' love for eachother (I don't know that he's yet fully aware that they've actually fallen in love) to go to the next level without knowing beforehand. I suspect all the relationships involved have been saved, or at least been given a fair chance to be saved and to grow.
A burden has been lifted from my shoulders, no doubt about it. But I feel much less worthy of my wife's previous characterization of me as an "astoundingly understanding" partner. If he reacts to the news like I did, then he's just as astounding. Maybe this is just what husbands do when confronted with their wives love for others.
I think not. More likely, he and I just know our partners well enough to recognize their capacity to love us and someone else at the same time. I hope he can feel secure in that new reality. It's getting easier for me to accept, anyway.
He and I haven't talked yet. I'm not eager for it, but I'm not afraid of that inevitable first conversation. I've let his wife know that if he has questions for me, I'm willing to answer them. But until now, I assumed I would be there to support him in his struggle to accept the situation. Now I'm thinking maybe I could use his insight and backing.
This is an amazing trip we're all on. As much as I've been unable to predict how it would unfold, I sincerely believe we've taken the right steps so far.
Last edited by BraverySeeker; 10-03-2012 at 02:25 PM.