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Old 10-03-2012, 06:56 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,609
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ON LEAKING METAMOURS AND FIRMING UP BOUNDARIES Pt 2

The excerpt below is from this thread.

Quote:
Time to get assertive.

Hrm. Tried "lather, rinse, repeat?"

Next time she acts out? Say nothing. Walk away. Email her and D the following report. (see below for idea of a report)

Always the same. The only thing changing is the next "acting out" time added to the table. Then there's a list of the happenings.

We feel whatever we feel when we feel it. We cannot control that. We can only control how we behave in response. List the behavior then! For yourself as much as for them.

We also teach others how we want to be treated. Start teaching!

And think about your own limit here -- if Ka is not doing all her page 5 stuff? D is NOT shouldering his page 6 duties to Ka, and he allows her to leak on to you all the time?

How much are you willing to put up with from a shirking D hinge? Put your limits and the consequences on your report. And follow through.

You CAN break up the Ka friendship and just reduce her metamour "volume" you know. Polite, but not buddies as well. Manage your calendar stuff via D. There. Prob solved on your end on Ka kooky!

Because if you allow her to leak on you, what motivation does she have to stop the leaks? She has your friendship and she is leaking. That's great for her! Not great for you. You are being drained.

You CAN choose not to schedule fresh dates with D until he solves his Ka problem. Because if you keep making dates with him, what motivation does he have to stop shirking his duty by you?

It's great for him! He doesn't have to do changes to his behavior -- he's getting what he wants from you -- dates. While you do not get what you want from him -- boundaries respected.

So consider changing how YOU behave toward this problem. See if that works any better for you.

Your own behavior is all you can control anyway.

GL!
GalaGirl
--------------------------
INCIDENT REPORT
  • I am your metamour. If you have a problem with your lover, D, take it to him. Not me.
  • I am not willing to stop seeing D.
  • I am not willing to allow your jealousy to color the (me + D) tier. That is our business and you have no part in that tier.
  • On the tier of Ka <--> (me + d) you are showing jealousy and tantrums. You are not showing that you are trying to work on it. Please work on it and let me and D know what kind of support you need. I cannot do it for you. D cannot do it for you.
  • I am willing to schedule a talk in trio with you, me and D if you have reasonable needs going unmet where I can help met to hold up my end of the Ka <--> (me + d) tier.
  • I am not willing to beat a dead horse on this topic. Here is your latest report sheet. I am willing to discuss items on this sheet in trio at a conflict resolution appointment.

FREQUENCY TABLE

Date of incident:
Time of incident:
Location of incident:
What happened: (describe with no emotion or judgement. Just this and that happened.)

Ka did this in response:
  • did/did not apologize to me for outbursting at me
  • did/did not work on her issues
  • did/did not respect my boundaries stated in last report sent on ____
  • did/did not attempt to schedule conflict resolution appointment in trio where this can be dealt with appropriately

D did this in response:
  • did/did not apologize to me for his lover leaking on to me with her issues
  • did/did not talk to Ka on the (Ka + D) tier to stop involving me and to take issues up with HIM if she's got a prob with him direct
  • did / did not talk to Ka to tell her she does not belong in the (me + D) tier
  • did/did not talk to Ka to tell her that on the Ka to (me + D) she is behaving poorly.
  • did/did not respect my boundaries stated in last report sent on ____
  • did/did not attempt to schedule conflict resolution appointment in trio where this can be dealt with appropriately

WHAT I HAVE DONE IN RESPONSE
  • I did/did not walk away and did not get sucked into an inappropriate conflict scene.
  • I did/did not make apology if I behaved bad to anyone.
  • I added the latest entry to the report. I did/did not emailed both the report.
  • Restated my boundaries to each. (via report)
  • Restated my willingness to talk in trio and gave 3 available dates for appropriate conflict resolution appointment. So I have attempted to schedule it. I'm holding up my end. (via report)
  • I reminded Ka on the (Ka + me) tier to stop involving D and to take issues up with ME if she's got a prob with ME. Her jealousy with her date schedule is not my problem to solve. Only she can solve that one with D. I do not run his calendar. He does. (via report)
  • I gave her and D links to help them learn how to manage jealousy. (via report)
  • I reminded Ka she does not belong in the (me + D) tier (via report)
  • I reminded Ka that on the Ka to (me + D) she is behaving poorly and foot dragging on working on her personal stuff in appropriate ways. (via report)

LINKS FOR KA AND D

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

KA: Please read jealousy page 5. Are you doing all these things toward me and D?

D: Please read jealousy page 6. Are you doing all these things for Ka?

I am willing to do page 6 to a degree as Ka's metamour / friend if both Ka and D are doing page 5 and 6 respectively FIRST.

Otherwise, I am not up for foot dragging or up for doing other people's work for them. More links for jealousy help are:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/trianglelove.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

CONSEQUENCES

I have a limit. If this report grows to ____ entries, and I have had to give it that many times to Ka and D?
  • My relationship to KA will change to (what? Only metamour polite schedule/labs type? No more friendship?)
  • My relationship to D will change to (what? Will not schedule dates until he solves his KA leaking problem? More)
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