ON LEAKING METAMOURS AND FIRMING UP BOUNDARIES Pt 1
Open cover letter to DH. (Actual excerpt in next entry.)
Boundaries seems to be a theme right now.
My abused friend? Told her soon to be ex to shape it up or get a lawyer. She's reached her limit! She's seeming a lot happier living away from his wacky. I hope she does not get sucked back into his crazymaking.
My dating friend? Ended a thing with a potential that was making him nuts because she was not responsive. He's excited about meeting a new potential now that his plate is clear and made open for that.
Then two more friends told me they broke up with friends of theirs on facebook because they other people were taking FB way too seriously and acting out toward them on their facebook walls. One also took it a step further and broke up with the person in real life too because they person was also acting out in real life and she hit her limit on shenanigans -- real life or internet -- from this person. She told me she felt a lot lighter and more peaceful.
In my own life?
I am experiencing a casual friend of mine calling me up for emergencies again. She hardly calls/emails to just to hang or chat one on one. It's always crisis mode if she reaches out to me one on one. So it triggers my own anxiety and this is why I have never made a move to deepen the friendship beyond casual friend and we just see each other at functions we both attend. I do not understand why suddenly I'm being called. Do I ooze "mom" vibes? Is she wanting to deepen the friendship? I need to get a clarify. Because I do not like to be cast in the role of her "crisis friend." A lack of planning or management on your part does not automatically make it a crisis on mine. Hrm. I need to get a more info/clarify there and then digest it so I can form some limits and boundaries there.
DH and I have gotten less sloppy about our own communication. "Mind reader" is not a good mode to be in. Even if you have been together for decades and can actually do pretty great guessing because you just know
your partner so well. If we Open, my being lazy about communication is not going to be good with a new person. So best I straighten up with my old person first and get fitter in my communication muscles. DH would have to be fitter too about articulation. So it's like a workout around here. Of the mind kind rather than the body kind.
Today the kid was getting frustrated with me because she wanted things and I wanted to work without interruptions all the time but then I wasn't giving her a time limit either on delivering my end of the goods. She was home sick from school. I handed her a timer.
"This is a timer. When you ask me for things and I say "Not now?" Ask me for a time limit. You have the right to know if not now WHEN then? And we will put it on the timer to keep me honest. Ok?"
"But this is a two way street. I will try to remember to give you a time limit. But if I forget, you have to ask for that time limit. If I forget to do it, and you forget to do it, we end up frustrated at each other. That's not cool."
"And if YOU promise me things and say "not right now though" I am going to be asking YOU for a time limit and we take it to the timer. To keep YOU honest. Are we in agreement?"
"Yes, I agree."
Then she wandered off. And the fucking timer went off and she cheers with joy from her room -- " Yay! Time Limit!"
And I had to fucking own it and stop blowing her off even though I really wanted to do the other thing I was doing.
And I had to adjust my attitude and smile at my kid and go do the thing because?
Well, because SHE held up HER end of the deal. She left me alone until the timer beeped. What more can she do? She's holding up her end of the sticks.
I have to hold up mine, and she deserves a good attitude. She does not deserve a crap attitude from me just because I gave her a time limit that was not accurate after all. It did not give me enough time to finish my thing. A failure on my part to estimate accurately is not her problem. Her own attitude is being cheerful and pleasant. She cannot mind reader the length of my work and give the estimate. She can only agree to timer. I'm giving the estimate. I am in control of that. I failed. I can't take it out on HER. That is not fair.
So I made her hot tea for her throat and she wandered off again to play.
And then I started to laugh. Ugh.
I so want to teach her these things. I want her to have assertiveness, confidence, self esteem, good communication and good EQ.
But Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! The business of holding oneself accountable and holding up boundaries and limits and freakin' owning it
when you have to own it? Nnnnnerrrrrgh! Not fun to feel! But you do it anyway. Sigh.
All exercises in self-discipline to hold up the ethic of reciprocity. To get I gotta give. And I can't skimp on anyone -- certainly not my kid.
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
Is it any wonder I am LOATHE to develop emotional intimacy or mind intimacy with people too fast? Before I bother -- tell me. Are you a Muppet Player? Or a Jedi Player?
DH told me in the shower last night that between Bucket Check Ins
and clear wants, needs, and limits given? I'm becoming the Bucket Prophet in my house and in my circle of friends. He was amused to notice that some of our friend see me and just automatically give me the mind/heart/body/soul tap on themselves. I no longer have to ask. The just see me and pony it up.
We really do teach others how we want to be treated. I function much better in my friendships if people calibrate with me first where we are all at before we engage on conversation. I have been developing An Expectation. People rise up to meet it. Isn't that interesting?
I told DH last night that if we Opened and he wanted a Spice, I'd have to go there because he'd be going there for me. Fair is fair. But I freely admit not ever having to deal with being a metamour to a Spice of his is waaaaay easier on me. It was then. It sure as hell would be now. In future? It would be then too -- to not have to deal with that. There's no denying that. But deal I would.
I never had to deal with LDR BF2's people though I knew from him there was jealous of me. Other than reporting weather at me to explain why his mood was ugh, he never made it be MY problem. He was a good hinge. I always enjoyed our phone dates.
I can't imagine DH letting some Spice of his leaking on to me. I can't see DH being a sucky hinge. But he's never HAD to be tested in his hinge powers, now has he?
But just in case? Here's what I'd do. And DH and I would have serious talk because I cannot just "not make a date" with DH. I live with him. I am married to him. The stakes are way higher than just not see the BF1 til he gets his shit sorted. Because DH is DH now, he is NOT BF1 to me any more.
(DH: Bookmark THAT convo.)