I really appreciate the advice but there is a lot of it and I have a very busy working week but here is a quick reply.
You've basically described B's viewpoint as I see it. It is very hard to get him to talk or open up in any way really. Even J has trouble with that and she is marrying him lol! Its frustrating but since their recent break from things things have been better so we shall see how that goes. It is obviously that he cares a great deal for me and Mrs even if he doesn't feel quite the same way for us as J does. And yes we have a primary-secondary model as that's how it sort of fell into place - as I said before this evolved from regular swinging meets with another couple when me and Mrs fell for B and J, and they for us.
I will definitely look at all these sources when I have more time! It sounds like just the sort of advice I was looking for, and more importantly, things I can show the others so that we can all work out what we want!
As for the swinging itself we have that sorted and safe sex is practised by all of us in the polyship, even with each other. Again you seem to have interpreted B exactly as I see it, however me and Mrs also want to continue in that in some regard but also keep our little polyship with J and B. Other partners such as L+M I doubt will enter that polyship but a separate ship did take flight between Mrs and A, who is my metamour (as is S through his relationship with J), so it COULD happen again.
from my perspective (source of metamour in parenthesis):
Mrs - lover
J - lover, metamour (Mrs)
B - lover(?), metamour (J, maybe Mrs) - not sure exactly where we stand with him on that.
A - metamour (Mrs)
S - metamour (J)
not counting swinging only partners L+M and P+O in that. Also not sure yet what is happening with G.
I see what you mean about the mini relationships and I see that that has been neglected somewhat in the past. Between our main quad I think that needs to be discussed as that is also possibly where the unresolved trust issues have arisen. There does need to be some serious discussion before anyone else gets added I agree - another reason why I sought this forum out.
I may need to run that model by you via PM to make sure I understand it right to find how it relates to my situation. It looks a bit confusing atm but I have just got in from work. I don't think it is all expected to get along. Some are just swinging partners and so shouldn't rock the ship but some, such as P+O, S and A, have become either close friends or potential romances and such do need to be factored in to the overall relationship. Ill do the math and get back to you to make sure I have it right.
It is chaotic I grant you, maybe as it wasn't planned and evolved from something casual, but now things are getting serious I want to ground the polyship before the casual stuff outside damages it, if you get my meaning. I know I have spoken with J privately about my views, and with Mrs, but things have not been addressed in full by us all for several weeks. I understand that polyamoury is more than swinging and I want to get it right as I think that it will be one of the most challenging but also among the most rewarding things I have ever entered into.
I'm going to read over all this and think about it all. Ill keep you posted.
Bio in Brief: Me and Mrs open and swinging. Mrs also seeing A. Recent relationship breakdown with J and B.