I'm sorry you are confused and hurting.
Based on the limited information in your post it sounds as though you are unsure of where you stand with her - and this is adding to your upset. It may be that the best thing to do at this point may be to sit down and talk to her about how you feel and whether that feeling is mutual. At the very least you will find out where you stand and if "going quietly away" is the right action.
I know that I, personally, did push my secondary away in the first months because I was convinced that I was standing in the way of him finding a "real" girl (i.e. a "primary" of his own)...or that when he did he would leave and I would be hurt. I didn't say "I love you" for almost 10 months.
After much communication (and patience on his part) we were able to get past my reticence. It's almost a mantra on these boards but...communicate, communicate, communicate.
Without more information it is hard to know what other advice may be helpful. Why do you think that "posting for all to read" is "not a good idea"? We learn from the experiences of others. You do not need to post any personally identifying information (I would urge you not to) but telling how you happened to get involved, how long you have been together, what each person's expectations were initially and how that seems to have changed would give us an idea of where the problems may have arisen.
ETA: The OP edited his original post - this post of mine is in response to what was originally written.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-03-2012 at 01:22 AM.