Learning curves in love. Part I
Annabel: You are so right. Therein lies the problem, my friend.
Some lessons in life are harder learned than others. Sometimes you need to wash, rinse and repeat several times before you can see your own patterns and begin to disassemble their hold on you and move back into a place of choice and power.
My yogic studies are almost coming to an end. One more weekend of full time, and then closing studies coming up the following week and I will receive my certification - my guru contacted me last night to let me know that I will be one of three teachers who will be graduating from the training. Six made it the full four years, and three of those will not be passing. I know who will be on both sides of that fence, and I am honoured and so proud of myself for having done the hard work, both internally and externally to earn this place by her side as a teacher of classical, restorative asthanga yoga, my certification coming from India. It has been so difficult to give so much time to it on top of running two businesses, a marriage, a home, being active in my community, maintaining friendships and relationships. I knew that this would be a push, but it was an accomplishment that I wanted to make enough to sacrifice, and it has been worth it for me, and my own personal growth. I finish what I start; it's a point of pride for me in my life - to persevere and stick with things even if they're tough.
This brings my mind to Sync and I. We are naturally incompatible - we have different levels of emotional maturity, different styles of communication and different ideas of what constitutes a healthy relationship. It has always been like this, but my heart is so linked to hers, my first big female love, that I just can't help but continue to touch the hot stove. Like a sparrow slamming into a glass window, I am confused that I can't just fly through - why there is something that I can't see that is holding me back from where I want to be with her. She is so beautiful, so intelligent, yet SO not the woman for me. Our sexual connection is undeniable, and I enjoy seeing her, but I am largely discovering that I only really enjoy seeing her in small doses. I find her neediness overwhelming - she is used to spending endless amounts of time with the same people, and my reality couldn't be more different - a wide circle of individual friends, I like going out with different people and developing intimacy in different relationships. I am exceedingly independent, and need a great deal of time with myself, and with Elemental to feel grounded and centred. She literally would spend every weekend here for the entire school year, from Thursday to Sunday and never tire of it, whereas I'd be chewing my way through a wall trying to get some space. Normally Elemental needs a great deal of personal space as well, but the NRE and pull of effortless hangouts and sex has him wrapped up in Sync in a cute way, but a way that doesn't make any sense to me.... "Where's the balance?" I keep asking. We haven't seen much of each other, given my hectic schedule with yoga and the like, and I guess she's been stewing about it. Her communication style is largely to cloister away negative thoughts for weeks/months, and then vomit them up in a huge, unmanageable ball. Once she has expunged them from her consciousness, she feels much better, but the person in question is covered head to toe in emotional shit, mouth agape. Last night I received an email from her that actually made my jaw drop.
My jaw dropped.
To make matters worse/weirder, she Bcced it to Elemental, not cced it, and didn't tell me that she had sent it to him. I have no problem with him reading our correspondance, but I did feel like she was taking something that she hadn't even talked to me about it and sharing it with someone who wasn't involved. That led to finding out that they had a long phone conversation on Sunday night, in which Elemental gave her shit for not communicating with me... which resulted in that shitfitpit of an email landing in my inbox with a splattery plop. My immediate response was one of revulsion and disengaging. Not so condusive to a healthy relationship, LOL. I called her, and calmly talked to her about it. Let her know that it was good that she had decided to communicate with me, but that I'd rather set the email aside as an opener for her to speak to things that were concerning her in smaller, more manageable chunks.
Her largest complaint is that she feels that I'm pulling away. Fair enough - I can see how she'd feel that way, given that I have no time for myself/my primary partnership, let alone Sync. She also feels as though we have different poly goals/desires. I would agree with that as well. She wants a closed triad with tons of time spent together. I do not. When she asked me questions I answered them. I used reflective listening, and didn't get upset once, which I was proud of. Some of the shit that was in that email had me totally incensed, but I didn't bring it up - she lacks emotional maturity, and really lacks a sense of timing - LOL! Here I am, at the tail end of balls-to-the-walls stress from such a full life, followed by a weekend with some pretty intense scraps with Elemental (we're making good progress, and things are worked back out) and it was pretty much the shittiest time to receive something like that. Ah well, it's how she operates.... eep.
She said she felt WAY better. I said I was glad of that. When I came back into the livingroom, Willow and Elemental were playing Magic together and I shared a bit of what had just happened. I could see questions all over Elemental's face, and concern on Willow's. He has expressed concern over Sync's communication/relationship style before, and it really hit home when he said, "I have loved a lot of people that I could never be in a relationship with." Huh. That kinda fits... I love Sync, but her style is SO alientating and overwhelming for me, and I find her desires in relationship immature and unsustainable.
It's funny - I went to codependency training when I was younger so that I could find separation between myself and others. I can see that deep codependency in Sync, and it really freaks me out. She doesn't want to date anyone else - just us. She wants as much time as possible with us, and broke up with her other lover because she didn't want to be "filling time with him". When I was exhausted and cancelled a lunch date that we had a couple of weeks ago, she was super passive aggressive with me, and didn't communicate with me properly for days. I just feel so much pressure from her, and so much need. There's also this deep selfishness around the type of time that we spend together - she doesn't want to drive early in the morning, so she won't come out here on weeknights, for example. She is fine with us going shopping with her for hours for a new wardrobe, which Elemental hates, but won't come to a nightmarket with friends because she doesn't like nightmarkets. She limpets onto Elemental when I am away - not taking time for herself, or to develop friendships or interests, just here. It weirds me out.
I am not making any decisions. I do know that I am getting closer to knowing what actually works for me in poly though. I have always felt like Sync is in my life for a reason - I have not felt "done" with her, no matter how much we have struggled. Granted, I could just have problems letting go, but I typically only do this when I have something that I need to learn in life. The pattern shows itself, and I'm able to start disassembling it and figuring out why it exists, and what I can take away from it.
In the beginning of this journey, I had an ideal of a closed triad. I wanted a best friend/girlfriend, a husband, and a triad relationship. There has been a definite evolution to this. I now like triad/dyad relationships - I was scared of those in the beginning. I also know that I like having more than one of those, or having one of those and some fun, sexy, somewhat more casual encounters of a similar kind. I'm largely unattached to having a male lover, although Willow is certainly an amazing person and I care about him a lot. I don't think I ever would have figured any of this out without Sync in my life, and the dyad that developed naturally between her and Elemental. It challenged me emotionally, mentally and spiritually to really open up and be fine with Elemental having sex independently with someone else - oddly the love never bothered me - but the sex sure freaked me out in the beginning.
Wherever you go.... there you are.
Last edited by BaggagePatrol; 10-02-2012 at 09:26 PM.