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Old 10-02-2012, 03:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,594
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Then I am glad you are not being abused. I do not agree you are being as clear as direct as you can be about articulating your wants, needs and limits from what you write. But if you say you are in REAL LIFE... ok. I'll buy that.

Quote:
Of course I could leave, but how can I throw away a relationship that has been so fulfilling rather than tough out nine weeks of crap? I don't want to leave him. He even said to me today that if I need to, he would support me taking a step back because he doesn't want to lose my friendship or my place in his life. He says he doesn't want to lose our relationship but most importantly, he wants me to be happy. He really cares about me. He just doesn't have any time to give me right now and I'm having trouble coping with that.
You have a lot of things about it that you list that you clearly DO NOT LIKE.

He has given you limits. If he's being kind about it? And he's telling you this is the limit of what he can offer you? It sounds like he can offer you a long distance tertiary relationship.

And you are unhappy with it because you want a secondary relationship.
  • Is this going to change in time -- someone moving so you can be closer together?
  • His time management clearing up to feed an LDR to secondary relationship level?
  • Or not changing in time at all?

You are going to wait 9 weeks til the house is done remodeling. Then what? Still the same place you are in today. Same choices to make:

  • You reconcile yourself to a tertiary relationship that he CAN offer you at this time.
  • Or let it go and just be friends then. Seek a secondary relationship elsewhere. He's willing to be friends. You won't "lose" him.
  • Or keep it at tertiary AND seek a secondary relationship with someone else. This is polyamory - if you are not at your saturation point, then why not keep dating?

I am not hearing what other kinds of help you want from Internet people. I only heard "Give me perspectives." So I do not know what else I might be able to give. I have given my perspective. That's all I can do. *shrug*

I perceive that you are in a recursive loop thing here.

You cannot change him or what he can offer you.

You can only change your own behavior.

You choose who you do and do not want to be in relationship with, and how many you are in relationship with.

Time out for 9 weeks? Fair enough.

9 weeks is up and he still can only offer tertiary LDR? You do not want to break up or continue dating to seek another? You risk staying unhappy then because you crave more than you get here from husband and this LDR Lover in your current "v" polyship.

I do think it is weird that your husband suggests you "stop talking about feelings with Lover or else lover will dump you." What?! Only offer a sanitized version of you? Rather than the authentic you?

I find it unsettling that your hubby is suggesting his wife (you!) limit and edit herself to fit someone else's mold, when she's already struggling with a relationship that is NOT feeding her when she IS being the authentic her. How will THAT action increase her odds for feeling fulfillment? To give only a partial her? Is not ALL of her loveable?

I find it disturbing that your hubby is happy to give away your power over living your life as you see fit and getting your full needs met. Suggesting you change YOUR behavior so Lover does not dump you so you are satisfactory to your Lover?

Excuse me? There is nothing horrible about coming to find that a relationship is no longer satisfying to you. We choose who we want to be with. I would hope your husband would give YOU his back up support. He would affirm HIS support of you in a constructive way like "I know this is hard, honey. I'm here if you need a sounding board. No matter what happens in that relationship, in OUR relationship I love you and find you loveable JUST HOW YOU ARE. If you want a solid secondary relationship and cannot get that here, it is too bad. It's not anyone's fault things do not line up here. But when you heal from disappointment and you are ready to make your next choice? I'll support your choices, baby! You are WORTH IT! Get what you need from your polyship configuration in the size/shape you need it to come as! I am on board!"

Not in a destructive fashion that suggests you are unloveable unless you sanitize yourself to meet Lover's standard. Even if it causes YOU personal unhappy! Ew.

I'm telling you my perspective -- weigh this thing out carefully. If it is NOT feeding you well? Don't be here in this configuration. Change it to include more, or change it to just feed elsewhere. Be true to YOU.

You seem to have chosen "I don't like waiting, but I am going to wait 9 weeks and then see."

Ok, fair enough. You make the choices in your life for WHEN. But in 9 weeks the decision is still here... what is gonna be the WHAT?
  • Do I get enough out of this polyship configuration with him to offset all the things I do not like? Keep the config the same and adjust my attitude toward it?
  • Do I change the polyship configuration?
  • Do I change polyship crew members?
  • Why do I behave like I have no choice or voice in my own polyshipping?

Why do you and your spouse behave like Love is in short supply? "Gotta take what you can grab while the going is good because something is better than nothing!"

Baffling to me.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-02-2012 at 03:58 AM.
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