View Single Post
Old 10-02-2012, 02:41 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,632

I am sorry you hurt. What I write may be Hard to Hear. But I don't know how else to be. So I will say it. My intent is not to hurt you further in a hurting time.

Originally Posted by Vicki82
But I really don't see what's so bad about the rest of my situation that merits the yikes.
For me it merits a "yikes!" because you are passive style. You are willing to NOT speak up about your wants and needs. Then when your wants and needs are not being met, you are sad and upset. So when do you pop? And could you go to the land of passive-aggressive then? That's not a healthy way to be.

I also do not like the sound of someone taking advantage of passive style people and it going out to the land of abuse. That is the biggest risk to passive style. People walking all over you to the extreme. I certainly hope you are NOT being abused! But that doesn't change that it is a real risk to passive style people. Aggressive and assertive style people put the brakes on much quicker so abuser/users usually do not seek that type out. Passive style people make much easier targets.

Only you know what is going on over there. Take the Speak Out Loud to highlighter if you wonder if you are being abused. That business about "controlling information" IS a tactic. In fact, it is number 1 in section 1.

I don't know if the info below will help you or not. Do with it what you will. I offer it in the spirit of trying to help you think your way through all this mess. But in the end it is up to you do make use of it or not. This is YOUR Real Life, not mine.

Again, I am sorry you are hurting, and I'm sorry this is hard to feel right now. Hurting times are not fun.




Originally Posted by Vicki82
I don't want to ask for him to renegotiate the secrecy thing with the sub because it might cost him his relationship with her. He hasn't said that but I can only guess that's what it means. How can I be that selfish? I'm jealous because right about now, I want what she has.
You merely telling your partner how you feel and what you want in YOUR relationship with him has the power to just destroy all his other relationships? Boy, you are mighty! (I try to joke to keep it light, though the topic is very serious.)

What you are doing is ASSUMING. Do not assume.

Just give your internal weather channel report to your Lover. Let HIM deal with the information taken on board. He has the right to clear communication just like you do -- doesn't he? Do not deny him clear information about where you are at. Just report your weather. Let him report his to you. Do not assume things about weather anywhere. Get what IS. Not what MIGHT BE.

Once you give him your weather report? Then he can choose to tell you one of two things:
  • "Thanks for the info. I see this is your current weather. Nope. I am STILL not going to tell her about you. And I am STILL not going to validate your or acknowledge you as a poly partner. That is my HARD limit."
  • "Thanks for the info. I see this is your current weather. Yep. I am starting to feel like my soft limit there is changing too now that time has gone by. Let's talk about adjusting that soft limit to a place that serves us both better. Let's talk about just how "out" we want to be and to whom and WHEN."

Clearly you have wants and needs. I perceive them from your writing as something like this.
I want something wife and sub have.
  • His attention of some kind of a regular schedule. I do not like vague.
  • I can accept limit of LDR (but wassup with no regular phone/skype schedule?)

I want something wife and sub. Specialness shown to me in deed and creed.
  • His wife has his special in legal marriage and mainstream social exclusiveness.
  • Sub has his special exclusive sub-ness in kink world.
  • I am his polyamorous girlfriend. I get specialness acknowledged HOW? What actions does he do to show me I am special to him? (Not talk -- actions, deeds, creeds)

I do not want to actually ASK for these things from my Lover because...
  • I worry about appearing selfish. (You are not selfish to have reasonable needs and wants and talk about them.)
  • I am not comfortable articulating my needs. (Is that some of it? How do you GET comfy without exercising that muscle?)
  • Because it makes my husband uncomfortable to see me this into my lover? (Is that some of it?)
  • ??? (Is there something else not listed? Like having to get specialness from Lover because what? You don't get it from Husband? Some other kind of thing? I can't guess things. And you don't have to answer me. This is just to help YOU sort your thoughts. What would you put in this line?)

What I have choosen to do about this so far:
  • I vent to internet people. (Does this satisfy enough?)
  • I will not vent to husband because... (This is weird extra side issue that could have bullet list of its own! But he is one of your polypeeps and there's stuff on THAT tier that could be better.)
  • I sit here with wants and needs unmet, unarticulated, and unsatisfied even though I acknowledge to self and Internet People I do not like this.

Conclusion so far:
  • I am stuck in a recursive loop of my own making. Because I am / am not (?) willing change my doings to meet my own needs better.
  • I do/do not? just expect people to mind reader my wants and needs

Possible Solutions I could think about so far:

  • Stay silent and endure what I do not want /like for another 9-13 week. Then decide a new choice. (What could those choices be?)
  • Speak up now and hope for change (Since he listens to me when I talk about other things? Is it his unwilling or my unwilling that is root problem here?)
  • Leave. (This is always a choice. We CHOOSE who we want to spend time with.)

Random Thoughts:

He does / does not give me clear communication when I ask for it in this relationship in reasonable, timely fashion. (ie: responsive, not blowing me off)

I do / do not ask for clear communication at all times with a "Check back in with me by____time limit___ " that is reasonable for the question asked. (ie: "What do you want for dinner tonight?" has a shorter turn around response time than larger questions needing more time to think out answer. But don't take forever either!)

I do / do not (?) fear him saying clearly to me "I cannot give this. I will never give this. It is a hard limit. It is not a soft limit."

I am / am not (?) avoiding finding this out through clear, direct means because I do / do not want to think about accepting a hard limit that will lead to my making a choice between:
  • to stay in a relationship where this is a hard limit and will never change
  • break up and deal with my disappointment
But you could make your OWN bullet list dissection for yourself. I just make up the example from what you wrote above as a possible template from what I perceive so far. I could be wrong. I'm not you, I'm not there, it is not my polyship.

I'm not telling you what to do -- YOU choose that.

It's just how I deal with life choice things. I write it out bullet list style. I process to myself before taking it to DH to take it to the negotiation mat. I would expect to do same with poly partners. That's what the negotiation mat is FOR. To find the happy medium compromise so ALL the polyship people are having their wants, needs, and limits respected to the happy medium place inside that polyship

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-02-2012 at 03:08 AM.
Reply With Quote