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Old 10-02-2012, 02:20 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,445

I'm not approaching non-attachment as or like a Buddhist. For me it is about letting go of an addictive need for someone's attention. I have experienced non-attachment in loving relationships before. I had a bf whom I dearly loved and yet I encouraged him to move away to the west coast because I knew it would be good for him. This was in the days before email, so staying in touch was much harder. We were in love and I told him to go and was happy for him because I was not attached.

But I have also been told by many men I've been involved with that I become clingy and place too much expectation on them. Maybe I am drawn to guys who are unavailable (father abandonment issues), but it is a difficult tightrope for me to walk sometimes. I feel like when I am in a healthy place emotionally, I can be happy, loving, and unattached. When I am stressed, wanting to avoid my problems, or feeling fragile, I latch onto the very people who cannot or will not give it, instead of reaching out to the ones who can be there for me. It's like I reinforce my own need to feel dissatisfied (and ultimately abandoned if I push them too hard) - that's an addiction.

I am hoping I can accomplish this kind of detaching while still maintaining a healthy sexual relationship as part of the friendship. I don't think I should fall into the trap of getting all fucked-up over someone just because I share my body with him and have deeper feelings for him. I do think I need to reorient my focus, to distract myself from my obsessive thoughts about someone I'm gaga for, because to daydream about someone like that, long for more, wonder what he's doing and who he's with, get pissy about so many little things, compete for his attention, test him, and so on... is such a drug.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 07:54 AM.
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