Ok, I see you saying you can accept a DADT limit for the wife. (I don't agree, but ok... you feel that way. I'll go there. Just because I don't do primary-secondary model doesn't mean others can't. So you are in that kind of model and are good with it. Cool. )
Wassup with the sub jealousy then? Are you willing to accept DADT there? It doesn't sound like it if you are unhappy and jealous of the sub.
Kinda like "This is a sub who agreed to be your sub
. Within a certain defined arena she agrees to -- you get to dom her. So WHY the need for secrecy there? I can see not negotiating there to fit me in because when we were just starting. But what's the lack of RE-negotiate now that we ARE a thing? Are she and I not on same non-wife secondary footing? Am I tertiary? Tell me what I AM to you so I can be free to choose to remain with confusion cleared up and feel happy in my tertiary role or choose to leave because I want a secondary role with someone, not tertiary. This not knowing land stinks -- so give me the right to clear communication, please. So I can make my choices of how I want to be and live my life with full information."
And wassup with your husband?
- We don't have DADT but he prefers I manage my relationship on my own.
- He is fine with me having one but he doesn't want to be involved.
- I do not share relationship details with him unless asked.
- I think he had a hard enough time seeing the effect that my discussion with L was having on me.
- It is one thing for him to know I am in love with another man; it's another to see it.
So basically both your husband and your lover expect you to deal with your emotional bag on your own? You can't air out your troubles to anyone but Internet people? Does this not enough emotional expression/intimacy time with either feed into your increasing need to be acknowledge/validated?
For me if I could not have expression to my DH? I'd start to feel hollow. I want to be understood.
And if I can't take my probs to my spouse and talk them out, he's basically leaving me out in the cold. No matter what is going on in my secondary relationship, now in THIS relationship I'm not getting needs met either!
The need to have expression and emotional intimacy with my spouse.
I don't need to TMI him, but I need the "There, there, hon. Hang in there!" stuff. I don't want a response of "Nothing to do with me! Deal with it alone!" That feel like partner talk to me -- it feels like rejection talk.
Hang in there with your stuff. I know the wait is hard. But I don't see where Husband is doing enough of the "ministry of presence" to you and enduring with you. That one prob. Wouldn't he do it if your mom was in hospital? He can do nothing then either -- but sit and wait with you and LISTEN to you talk. Sometimes that is enough. Why not do now?
I also don't see where Lover is helping. He sounds kinda selfish. But YOU are the one there who can determine if this treatment of you is the exception or the rule. If it is the rule -- I'd suggest you get OUT because it does not sound like it feeds you well.
But even in that -- only YOU can determine over there how much price to pay for cost of admission is TOO MUCH price to pay.