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Old 10-01-2012, 04:32 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 160

Gala, I know his wife is aware of him having outside relationships. He spends the whole weekend with me when we are together usually, and he checks in with her and I've heard his end of the conversation. I am not worried that he is cheating on her. And frankly, her need to have DADT respected comes before my need to be acknowledged. She's his wife. I would never expect him to put my needs ahead of hers.

I did write him a long email after that night and I explained pretty much what I wrote here. He has acknowledged it but says he has not had time to sit down and reply yet. As I mentioned, lots of external crap going on in his life right now so I am sure that's true.

Apparently his sub is very needy emotionally. I certainly know she emails him a lot. One time he was with me and didn't answer her for a couple of days and he had 14 emails in his inbox from her. I thought that was overkill, especially since she knew he would likely not be reachable then. I can completely understand his concern that if she knew about me at this point, that it would cause serious consequences in their relationship. I'm not selfish enough to ask him to take that risk for me. Do I agree he should have told her a long time ago, before things got more serious between us? Absolutely. On the other hand, given the way our relationship has gone, I can see why maybe he felt at first there would be nothing to tell. I was insistent on keeping it light and fun with no drama and it was supposed to be casual. Then we fell in love. So I can understand it would have been awkward to figure out when to tell her about me.

I think what he did with the blog was a crappy thing to do. I called him out on that and said it would have been more appropriate to talk to me about it and not ask if I've read it when clearly he must have known I had not. I still don't know why he did it that way but I expect he'll address it when he responds to me. Not sure if that will be tonight or not.

Gala, we're LD. It's not like there ever really is the opportunity for me to be acknowledged in public the way there is for his sub. I just can't have that, and it hurts. My FetLife profile is blank- I just go there to maybe meet some people at in person groups. So what good would there be to ask him to hurt his sub by posting he is poly with me? That seems like a crappy thing for me to ask for.

Yes, before all the external stuff started, he was fully meeting my needs. It didn't bother me so much to be the secret; in fact, I rather liked being the one in his life that he trusted to share everything with when there is NO ONE that he can do that with. He has always been there for me when I need him, he gives me the verbal assurances that I crave, and he always checks in with me to see how I'm doing even when he's very busy. When I compare his treatment of me with what other guys do, I realize how lucky I am because he really is a great person who loves me very much and is concerned about my well being.

Now, with all the external crap? No, I'm not getting my needs met. Thank goodness there is an end date or I would have broken up with him because it just causes so much unhappiness. Our communication is much less frequent and I haven't seen him in four weeks and may not for nine more. That is really tough on me. But he honestly doesn't have anything else to give; he just has too much going on in his life right now. I try not to complain about things that can't be changed and I know I just have to wait it out. But I really hate the situation. Sometimes there is no good option though; I can choose to break up with him and lose someone who I love dearly, or I can suck it up and hold out for 9 more weeks and see what happens. He's important enough to me that I'll wait. I'm sure feeling my needs are going unmet has been a trigger for this situation, because yes, I'm sure his sub's are much more than mine are. He can still see her every week. She might have less of his time and they're also communicating less, but she still has him. They still go to kink events together at least once a month. Right now, I can't have much of anything that I want. It's the shit of being LD, unfortunately. It's not like he can see me for a half hour or hour, and he doesn't have time for more. I am frustrated, but it's not like I can be angry because she can get what she needs and I can't. It's not like he is choosing her over me.

My husband does not think I'm overly attached to L; he thinks that I was blowing the issue about the exclusivity blog post out of proportion. He thinks I should know what I have with L and not worry what he says to his other women since it has nothing to do with me.

Right now I'm just waiting to hear back from L so we can talk about things. I'm feeling a little fucked up because I loathe waiting, but H is the same way so I know that waiting is by far the best course of action. But in the meantime I am feeling very stressed out and it's affecting my sleep and my emotional energy towards H, which he isn't wild about.
Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 9 months, and Henry (single poly), 8 months.

Last edited by Vicki82; 10-01-2012 at 04:54 PM.
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