Good point about our own tendencies to try and reinforce our insecurities. I should certainly keep that in mind as well. I guess that is central to the internal struggle at play.
Myself, I don't strive for non-attachment, I fully expect to become attached to anyone I'm intimately involved with. What I am striving for is healthy boundaries, for myself and for my partners.
Hierarchies aside, I use the term secondary because it denotes the amount of time/energy the other person is able to give to me. In my situation my partner is married and a father so I know, factually speaking, that the time he is able to give to me is finite. But there are ways of being attentive to me that don't require a lot of time or energy, for example, if he knows I'm going through a difficult time a simple message to say "I'm thinking of you" lets me know that while I'm not present I'm also not forgotten.
I don't want to feel inconsequential or replaceable. I want to feel valued and needed. As though I add something to his life that he values enough to put effort toward maintaining.
And the "needy woman" trope is a trap - a social construct that does not apply to men, instead it reinforces our feminine ideas of females subordinating their needs to those of others. So toss out that idea that you're being "needy" because you do have neeeds!
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."