Red flags to me?
His submissive doesn't know that he is seeing me. I'm not wild about that, but he says it would just be too much drama.
Too much "drama," huh?
So last night, he asked me if I had read his blog lately, and I said no. The next one posted was entitled "exclusivity" and it was basically saying that he found what he was looking for with her and that he was not playing with anyone else in the kink community. Or rather, that there is really no point since I don't have much of a profile and why cause so much drama to change nothing?
And presenting this information in this way to you is avoiding drama how? Have you told him how you prefer to be informed of things that concern you/could affect your relationship with him? Does he honor it?
He says he is just "controlling the flow of information" to her, but I would be very upset if he was doing that to me.
He IS doing it to you. He will not tell his others that you exist? Even though this bothers you? Well, he controls what is known by whom and when.
These things you write -- like the wife is FINE with him seeing other people -- how did you get the verify? Or is he controlling the info there too and she really has no idea? He just tells you things and expects you to roll with whatever he says just cuz he says that?
I feel like our trust is damaged. I don't care what he tells her, frankly; that's part of his relationship with her and it's none of my business. But I worry that if he lies to her to make his life easier, that he'd lie to me. I know he loves me but he says he loves her too, so what's the difference? I always felt so trusting and comfortable with him, and I honestly don't believe he has lied to me. But I feel at least a bit emotionally withdrawn right now.
Yup. Don't blame you for feeling this way at all. This smells weird to me.
So you crave to be acknowledged/validated that you are important in his life somewhere. Alright, how is he meeting this need?
- Cannot be in RL because he has a wife and they have a DADT policy. (Or is it more because he just does not want to? Do they really have a DADT policy?)
- Cannot be on Fetlife because you have no significant profile and he doesn't want drama. From WHO? Internet people do not care, his sub is his sub. Does his wife not really know about these extra people? Where would the drama come FROM? Or does he just does not want to?)
[*] Do you receive enough care and consideration from long distance -- is he "there for you" enough in other ways? To reduce this need to be "known and acknowledged" by others elsewhere in his life? Does he acknowledge you are important to him with other actions that he does? (Not words, ACTIONS.)
[*] Do you feel healthy in this relationship and that you are your best self? (Your own husband says this is too much for what it is -- is he seeing you overly attached with this guy? )
We feel what we feel when we feel it. It just bubbles up and we cannot help it. We can only choose how we BEHAVE in response to that feeling -- either react or act with intent. Here's your behavior so far:
1) Told your husband
2) Chatted and emailed L about it
3) Wrote online about it
Since it just happened, venting in various places sounds fine so far.
I'm not sure getting into conflict resolution mode with L while emotionally UGH is the best time to get into it. Getting your thoughts clarified and emotions calmed first sounds better to me.
Assuming you feel a bit calmer now...where do you choose to take it next? In your conflict resolution with L?
We choose who we want to be with. How do you want to be with him? What do you want/need from him in this relationship to feel mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually fed? What will you offer in return -- and where are you limitations? And will he honor those wants, needs, and limits?
I hadn't told him before how much it bothered me to be kept a secret, so he didn't know. I knew that he hadn't told her about me though. I am not going to ask him to tell me because I don't see why I should ask him to mess up his relationship with her; what's done is done. ;
So now that you know it bothers you this much to be kept secret -- have you informed him of this?
Have you asked him to tell people in his life that you exist to help your relationship with him feel more secure and help to get your need to be acknowledged met? Oh, wait. You don't
ask for that. Because it might mess up his relationship with her
to treat you nicely in the way that you need to be treated.
So you end up feeling like he values the relationship with her and meeting her needs more than he values the relationship with you and your needs, right?
Or is it that he values HIS needs more than either of you? Because it's "too much trouble" to acknowledge you on Fetlife and causes "too much drama" to acknowledge you to his wife / sub. It would be too much trouble to tell you honestly that he doesn't feel like it because he doesn't feel like it.
But it is NOT too much drama to disturb your emotional well being by having your read his journal? What need of his did THAT feed? His need to be "openly communicating" so he can run around not feeling TOO guilty for treating people bad?