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Old 10-01-2012, 12:03 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
Basically, that if I feel cared for and my needs tended to, I shouldn't need reassurance.
Yes, that is a good point, from one perspective.

However, oftentimes these feelings of not getting enough are created out of our own negative thinking, rather than being an organic response to a certain stimulus in the present moment.

This is what I am having trouble sorting out - knowing whether I am actually being slighted, or if it is my imagination and I am just seeing things that way, based on my old patterns of behavior and thought surrounding "being picked" or rejected. Yes, I might feel rejected but it could be just because I've trained myself to wait for the other shoe to drop, so to speak -- in my mind, I always believe I am inadequate and will inevitably be tossed aside. I expect rejection just because I am me. So, my thoughts and insecurities take me to the worst case scenario, which brings up shitty feelings. I am trying to get free of that pattern of thinking which brings up such manufactured emotions, so I can see things more clearly.

If I can see more clearly, then I can respond appropriately to what is, and not what I fear.

Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
A secondary is right there in that spot that women so easily get to - putting our own needs to the side in service of harmony in our relationship.
I wish this thread had a different title. I am not in a primary/secondary situation but recalled that this thread had some good stuff in it. I do not apply a hierarchy to my relationships. I think it's valuable to look at attachment and non-attachments in relationships, whether primary, secondary, non-hierarchical, or whatever.

Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
I'm feeling excluded too. Lonely while thinking he is having fun. Forgotten. Jealous a little.

So where do I find the balance between asking for more and accepting what's given to me? I think you just have to ask. If someone is upset by such a request then they must be just a little bit selfish, no?
Ugh, it sucks.

Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
It's the "needy woman" trap to be careful of...
Yes, I hate coming across that way.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 07:48 AM.
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