As far as current relationships go, things seem pretty stable between my wife and her gf. I still have no issues of note with my metamore, or anyone on that side of the tribe.
At the moment Iím travelling again...in the boonies outside Toronto right now...and after a short reunion at home, Iíll be gone again to somewhere that brings to mind images of gold panners and dog sleds. They arenít long trips but it makes for interesting date nights with my wife. We get to talk, and reconnect, and make plans, and fight, and enjoy the local brews. Yeah, donít get hung up on the fighting part, itís just part of the routine when I travel it seems.
The knockdown, drag out conversation we had the other week was an eye opener though, as I got a good blast of exactly what she thinks of the moral quality of my chosen occupation, and I think she caught a peak of my own attitudes about it that I donít think she liked very much. Itís something I generally keep very well hidden from her, and others, as itís not something well understood...even by some of those in the same line of work. And definitely not by the people around us, poly or not.
I generally donít figure that thereís much of anything I need that I donít get from my wife already, but the conversation brought to light something that I think I want; to be understood, specifically in relation to my chosen occupation, and the moral code that goes with it. I would like to know someone who can understand why I believe my path to be honourable; why I would have followed my grandfather and great grandfather into it.
Bless my wife for trying, and I know she does try, and I think she carries some amount of pride for what I do. But she doesnít get it, and she never will. Her heart is full of compassion, and care, and love, and frankly, I donít want her to get it, as itíd get in the way of who she is, and why I love her.
It was probably my fault anyways for trying to defend myself instead of just taking it. I generally spend enough time biting my tongue around town anyways, itís amazing I still have a physical ability to talk. But sometimes the inclination to justify myself becomes overwhelming, and as much as that might cause tears and heartache sometimes, at least my wife is understanding enough to still love me after. So one of these days, I think itíd be nice to be able to share my thoughts on it, and be understood...I donít even know if such a creature exists...I expect unicorns would be easier to find in my town.
(PS: To my wife...DO NOT TRY TO FIX THISÖitís not yours!)
Itís possible that some of this episode came from a more general disconnect that weíve had lately. We had an awesome vacation for a couple weeks with lots of time together, and I think we hit the post-vacation crash at about the same time...falling right back into pre-vacation routines, which includes a lot of time at home alone time for me with my wife being away lots doing extra-curricular stuff. So Iím thinking it might be that Iíve been struggling with what to do about it...since asking her to stay home more isnít an option. (Not that she wouldnít, but because I donít want her to feel she should) And then things go into a tailspin. Iíll look around at maybe writing to someone on OKC...this is not a short process for me. It takes a long time to figure out what to try and say, fully knowing that itís unlikely to be acknowledged, never mind actually responded to. Yet browsing profiles or messaging is something I feel I shouldnít be doing when my wifeís around, and often because I occasionally get slammed for making her feel like Iím looking to upgrade.
No, Iím just looking for something to do! Iím generally sculling about with the computer anyways, so after crackbook and spam patrol on the forum, messaging people is the next best time waster, so itís either that or Minecrack! But hereís the thing, the ďsearchĒ for anyone there is half-assed too. What am I supposed to tell them in the opening message? ďHey, how are you? I wanna date you a few days a week because my wife is out and Iím bored!Ē Yeah, good reason to date someone...donítcha think?! We can add it premptively to the Stupid Messages That A-holes Send To People On OKC
Iíll get this one sorted out eventually, probably with a non-poly response, like having a friend or two over occasionally for beer, or taking some guitar lessons or something like that. Itís just that I take a while to get around to it.
(PS...To my darling wife: DO NOT TRY TO FIX THIS EITHER! My job, not yours.)
When I get back, there will still be a lot of work to do. Weíve become comfortable enough with poly I think that weíre growing weary of being closeted from the parents. So, since weíre going to be outed one day anyways, we are thinking of choosing our own time and place to come out to them. So chances are weíll be doing so within a couple weeks, with my parents as a test run. But thatís another story...
Keep Calm and Poly On!