Some things on my mind
I'm not really sure if this is the right lifestyle for me.
I find that I have a mental idea of my ideal partner, but I don't think it is ever possible for someone to live up to that standard.
In my past monogamous relationships, where I have been close to being happy with them, it wasn't because I didn't care for them, just that I wanted my own freedom. I would happily still see them, but because I don't like to be with only one person, it upsets them, which upsets me, as I don't want to hurt people.
I like to go clubbing, get drunk, and hit on girls, sometimes the next day, while sober I realise they don't always line up with my standards. Other times, someone is close, and they understand I don't want a relationship, and I continue to see them, others get hurt and upset I don't want a relationship.
I'm not really proud of myself, it's just a way for me to have fun. Other times I almost dream of meeting an ideal partner, but I think this lifestyle is something that kind of works. I almost go in a cycle between committed relationships, then being single and seeing a few people, or going clubbing and so on.
Maybe I want to meet the near perfect girl, or I like the excitement too much, the new sensations, but sometimes I feel guilt or regret if I feel they really aren't right for me.