Need some perspective please
I wrote this in my blog but was hoping to get some more replies so I thought I'd post it here as well.
Today I need some perspective, please. My husband thinks I am overreacting and I am pretty sure I am, but I'm still feeling very messed up.
It probably needs more background info. L has a blog where he writes about the kinky parts of his life, and his submissive reads it. He added me to read it too, several months ago. His submissive doesn't know that he is seeing me. I'm not wild about that, but he says it would just be too much drama.
So last night, he asked me if I had read his blog lately, and I said no. I thought he had let it go dormant since he hadn't written since July. It took me a while to remember my password but when I went there were several new entries. The first couple of ones were his usual sort of updates, and then I hit a couple that hurt like hell.
The next one posted was entitled "exclusivity" and it was basically saying that he found what he was looking for with her and that he was not playing with anyone else in the kink community. I obviously reacted very strongly to that one which is where he says he was careful wording that one to say kink community, and that I'm outside that. It HURT so much, though. I know that because of his relationship with his wife, that at least for now and maybe never, that I can't have the type of completely open poly relationship that you all have. But to be pretty much publicly disavowed? I was physically shaking and sweating and my heart was racing when I read that entry. It took hours for my body to calm down. It frustrates me that he can publicly acknowledge his sub on Fetlife but he can't acknowledge me ever. Or rather, that there is really no point since I don't have much of a profile and why cause so much drama to change nothing? Logically, I can see that. But hearts aren't always logical.
And of course, there's the fallout from reading that. I know he loves her, and he is certainly lying to her by omission. He says he is just "controlling the flow of information" to her, but I would be very upset if he was doing that to me. I asked, and he said he is not, but I feel like our trust is damaged. I don't care what he tells her, frankly; that's part of his relationship with her and it's none of my business. But I worry that if he lies to her to make his life easier, that he'd lie to me. I know he loves me but he says he loves her too, so what's the difference? I always felt so trusting and comfortable with him, and I honestly don't believe he has lied to me. But I feel at least a bit emotionally withdrawn right now.
Those are really the key things that are bothering me. The other stuff is minor and it's on me to deal with, not him. One entry was about his experiences with anal with her and how much he loves anal, and that hurt because we've been trying to work up to it together. So that post made me jealous. And the last one was about his reflections on it being six months since he collared her as his sub, and it's been six months since we got together so that one hit a sour note with me as well. By then I was pretty much overwhelmed with conflicting emotions so I didn't really read much.
He stayed up late with me last night trying to help me calm down and to explain why he wrote what he did. I know that the blog is read by her and so by the necessity of his choices, he has to censor what he writes. But I can't imagine he didn't think that one post wasn't going to cause me a great deal of pain. I know he has no one else that he can sound off to about his "other life" and most of the time I'm happy to be there for him. I'm even okay hearing about his sub a lot of the time because I am glad he is happy. But basically seeing him completely deny our relationship? Fuck.
I didn't sleep well last night and I feel like a mess today. I sent him an email in the middle of the night basically saying these things, but I reread our chat and I pretty much raised the same issues so I am sure he is going to feel frustrated. I don't blame him. I'm sure he was just being obtuse and not deliberately trying to hurt me, but I feel awful. Any words of wisdom?
Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 7 months, and Henry (single poly), 6 months.