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Old 09-30-2012, 03:52 AM
thinker thinker is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Well I do not enjoy BDSM. It makes me feel dirty, objectified, used. I was physically abused in a prior relationship and BDSM triggers panic in me. It is the one rough spot in my marriage. My husband has my permission to find a play partner at anytime. But he is mono and has made no move to do so. He said he would like ME to find him one well sorry I am not his pimp.
Sorry to hear that you used to be abused in your previous relationship (but the thing is "there is no such thing as free lunch" everything has a price tag on it). I know BDSM are for people who had really kinky ideas but generally its not for everyone......... Also it seems your husband is either mono or just being lazy to find a play partner Well nobody is perfect.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Good luck finding a FWB. I have known many who tried but few can pull it off. Surf some relationship message boards and you will find many horror stories. Someone usually develops deeper feelings.

Yes my relationship with M has not been that long. But I am one of those people who either likes someone or I don't. I do not waste my time with those who do not hold my attention.

I knew my husband all of 10 months when we were married. Have been married 11 years. My father new my mother 4 months when they got married and they have been together 39 years. I am my father's daughter.
Thanks i will try to get a few friends first (and yeah i know getting FWB is hard for married man since most of them are cheaters) and yeah i kind of expected that having FWB can develop emotional attachment. But i will simply think of this scenario later since its too early to discuss this...

Interesting you actually know your H for ten months before getting married for eleven years!? You are pretty amazing yourself, i heard stories that people who married after knowing each other for less than a year tend to either cheat on each other or just out right divorce...... And your father is even more amazing four months!?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I honestly love both my husband D and my boyfriend M deeply. I love my children all the same, so I have a hard time understanding why society has an issue if you love partners the same way.
Well you can just simply blame monogamous marriage really a deal breaker btw.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
INTJ is Jung personality type. I am highly independent. I like independent men, able to stand up the sometimes formidable strength of my personality. I know quickly--usually on the first or second date--whether or not a relationship has any future, and I will not waste my time on courtships that seem to hold little promise. Even in more casual social situations, I can appear cold and may neglect to observe small rituals designed to put others at ease. I do not enjoy idle chitchat, and thus people receive a sense of hurry or disinterest from me which is not always intended. I am hard to read, and I am not very outgoing or emotionally expressive. I have a strong need for privacy, and they do not enjoy physical contact except with a chosen few. M and my husband being the only few. Don't get me wrong I am deeply emotional even romantic, and once I have decided a person is worthy, I am passionate and loyal through the good and bad.
If you are not outgoing how can you flirt with bf after bf before you get married with your H. And also this is not really healthy for you socially.... Before i know my wife, i was a similar person like you, as time goes when i start to notice i start to lose more and more friends. I really had to changed myself as an out-going person through changing myself by meeting and knowing more people, and during one of my bar "nights" i know a girl who is my future wife. So really that has changed my life afterwards......

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Currently the kids go home at night when I am with M. But M is redoing bedrooms for the two youngest boys in his house. At first I was going to keep the kids out of M's and I relationship. But my husband actually feels better knowing that is something happened to him M would step up to the plate and they would be taken care of.
You are really lucky in choosing a lover who impressed your kids and your H your poly relationship seems like a perfect scenario.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
How do you figure?
I will explain later (next line)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Why not be true to yourself and live a honest full life. Money doesn't make the man. I feel for you that you are saddled by greed and the expectations of others. You can't take it with you and definitely doesn't make you happy.
Ok i had to be defensive on this(yeah........ i know it sounds bad). Firstly expectations are mostly coming from my ethic origins where elders must be respected and so on..... (don't really need details for this one) really i can't changed as much until in not so far in the future.

Secondly about greed, true, money doesn't make the man but without it your chances of having a lower standard of living in the future will be higher. That is one of my traits, if i haven't scrape as much cash from property, stock and mutual funds (or mortgage back securities) before the whole crisis came, our family wouldn't have floated and survive the whole thing while my friends just sink under the water of recession (or even depression). And yeah my friends are not the greedy ones too

p.s sorry for my ranting.... people had been arguing about my "immoral" greed in the past and i really had to rant it out for now.... and yeah money doesn't make you happy only provides security for the future

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
My personal belief is that a third person has no right to force their will upon a relationship between two other people. You have to let the relationships between your wife and HER other partner(s) take on their own shape. You can't shove a square peg into a round hole. Neither M or my husband sticks their nose in the relationships I have with either one. My husbands needs have NOTHING to do with M.

My husband does not keep score... Oh he wants to but has learned that sometimes M may get more of my undivided attention but things come back around in his favor other weeks.
I can see your logic, but i said this is because during the first few months i may (or will) be worried that if my wife dates others, will she leave me and the kids? (Yeah i may be insecure about this) Like what your H worried and keeps wondering if you would leave H with M. But i know one of the rules of this arrangement is respect to each other's relationship and don't stick their nose into it. Yeah, sometimes you had to choose priorities between H and M since if you give more attention to either side the other will be jealous (another time management skills)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Actually no.. there has been no shaky ground. My husband has trusted me from the beginning to do what is right. Using the gov't as an example probably isn't the best. From what I have seen gov't always tends to run things into the ditch. May take a few hundred years but the greatest civilizations the world has seen have fallen at one time or another.
Also (not base on govt) i know that before starting anything you need to have rules different rules in place to ensure jealousy will be as low as possible. Also honesty is also an important rule as well as respect too. (done some research a few days before)

*And for being completely off topic i think the purpose of government is to act as a stabilizer to the economy, if the economy falls the government spends, if the economy recover the government saves. So its not really like that governments tends to run things into the ditch. (I worked for the Australian Federal Government within the Treasury department thus i m really pro-government in managing the economy *i m left-leaning too!)

Btw i heard the US will have an election within 40 days, who would you vote for? ( i prefer Obama since Romney will ruin the world economy if he ever gets elected)

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
"Friends-with-benefits" works when the FRIEND part comes first and the "benefits" (sex) way later. In my experience, these relationships started off with NO sexual intentions or expectations from the very start. I am recalling one particular case where I was roommates with a couple, and they broke up while we still had a few months left on the lease. For a time, one member of the "ex-couple" was having sex with both of us, then when the other member moved out, the remaining one and I continued to have sex off and on for the next few years, while becoming involved with other people. We did not go about it by LOOKING for a "friend with benefits". The adding of sex to our friendship WAS a form of "deeper feelings", but we never became an "item" or "partners" or whatever you want to call it.

I think if someone goes out LOOKING for a "friend with benefits", usually meaning "regular sex partner without the day-to-day contact", they will find that they got themselves into something other than what they had in mind.

I'm sorry to hijack the thread based on such a small piece of the OP's topic.
Yeah you are so right about this one but since i haven't told my wife about open marriage yet, i think the FWB thing is just wayyyyy too far in the future right now.

And BoringGuy thread hijacking is a good thing since it can keep the whole thread alive and well for a very long time (unless i ask the moderators to close it)

p.s you are lucky to have those kind of experience (also i must admit having FWB is one of my kinkier thought deep inside my head but lets see how its goes)

Last edited by thinker; 09-30-2012 at 04:03 AM. Reason: adding stuff in
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