I didn't realise until now there were new posts. Thanks everyone =) and Thanks for all the hugs =)
Well, I did something I thought I would never do before and checked out his messaging history when he wasn't there. We have never been people to hide stuff like that (I wish I was nosey before lol). We know each other's passwords and can log in and out of accounts as needed but in the past never had to so never did it hence felt a bit wrong doing it.
Anyway, there wasn't any. He had erased it all apart from the last message wishing her a happy birthday! This made me furious! Not the birthday message, the fact that rest wasn't there.
I confronted him when he came back. Not just with that but other stuff going on in my head. He panicked. Nearly had a panic attack. I guess he thought he got away with it but when I kept pushing for the details he couldn't hide anymore and admitted flirty talk and stuff and that it was all his doing. I guess he didn't want me to know how 'bad' he had been. Although still don't know exactly what happened and how long. Asked for him to ask her for her history but didn't want to do it. I don't even know why I am so hung up on this thing. I am after a cathartic act to get it out of my system and that's the only thing I can thing of. That and hearing her side.
YOU are not sounding like you want a polyship. That is your right.
Yet YOU are the one asking the practical "Is this the time to open? How would it be"?" questions though. Not him. That tells me that he's sooooo not prepared to do ethical polyamory.
That sure ain't it.
I don't want it. Reading more about it I am even more sure that I don't. At least not at this stage in my life. I am always the practical boring one unfortunately. The first night he told me I was the one with all the questions, living arrangements, finances, time management, our kids, any other potential kids, holidays, exchange of bodily fluids (shudder), STDs, my freedom, parents, relatives. He obviously didn't have a master plan so 'dunno' was the answer to the questions.
Everything I have been reading about poly relationships, he would be terrible at it! He would be very good at fucking what came his way animal, mineral or vegetable but he does not have the skills for one relationship let alone many.
I told him this already. He is yearning for the life he had at 19 at uni fucking around then vegging out in front of the telly and computer (didn't even get to finish properly he had so much fun). He is a 33 years old husband and father of two. The two aren't compatible. Poly seems to take so much effort and caring and thinking and planning. He does not have those qualities. He says he sees that now.
Has this been an emotional affair?
I told him I see it as that. He did not think I would be this upset which has been upsetting him. When he had his panic moment he was like 'hit me hurt me'. I have no interest in that but his punishment will be having to talk about it as I feel the need to do so which he is finding painful.
I see it as emotional cheating because he did not come to me with the offer of poly saying he feels like he needs something more and then going out finding it if and when he was given the green light. He flirted and talked and kept at it behind my back to a point where he thought he developed feelings then put the offer on the table. (Now he says that he was confused with his emotions and mistook past lust and friendship for deep feelings and says he won't talk to her again and will stop the friendship). I understand we can't always plan life and sometimes people meet people and fall when they weren't planning to but he did it on purpose.
Are you sure he doesn't want you to speak to her because he told her one thing and you something else, and doesn't want you to out him? I see no reason not to contact her. If he wants to be involved with her, and she is poly and open to such things, she would probably be able to handle a simple thing like a conversation with you. It is affecting you, so go ahead and call her!
However, I wouldn't just use the opportunity to be mean -- she may not know what the hell he's been up to and might even have been told that you have consented.
Nycindie thank you. See you are right. I want to hear her side too. After the chat-history-panic thing I already figured out he wasn't still being totally honest. Oh he said he deleted it because he was deleting all his FB messages as they were too many. That made me even more pissed off. I can understand a clear out - but to do that one first? Huh. Yeah. And he hasn;t been clearing out any more. As I said before he thought he was getting away lightly. Iam not going to give him that satisfaction.
I wouldn't be mean. It's not in me. When this first happened I wanted to swear at her, within ten seconds I thought to myself 'oh that's not nice at all!'. I do however need to be more assertive.
About 4 months ago I was feeling really low and wrote down everything that I felt was wrong between us but he did not want to read it at the time. I have made him read it the other day and he has apologised and promises to be a better husband and father and has started to work at it. We will still go to counselling. Now we are back from holiday (yeah spoilt that too) I am looking into arranging something.
It's been a massive wake up call for him. It has been a good re-boot to the relationship. It has been good for me to find out how much I am willing to fight for what is important to me. Something has been lost though. Some of the trust. We used to joke in the past if he looked at anyone I would always say it's cool, you can look but you can't touch. I feel I can't be jokey like that anymore. I guess trust issue will take time.