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Old 09-26-2012, 06:57 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,727
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Sigh. I am very sorry you are going through this. It must be terrible. BREATHE.

Do not what if. What iffing is pointless. Could WHAT IF all day long. See?
  • What if he isn't poly at all? What if he's a zebra?

Here is what IS:
  • I am a hardwired mono.
  • I tried polyamory in the past, not for me.
  • Dating Sam for a few years
  • Sometimes we swing in threesomes
  • He gets jealous if in swing dates the guy "kisses me too much"[/COLOR]
  • Sam cheated on me with Molly (ugh, cheater!)
  • later on, he told me he cares a great deal about Molly and that she is special to him. (For what? So you would allow him this cheating betrayal of you?)
  • I asked him, he says he is NOT interested in a romantic relationship with Molly or any other women. (does that include you then?)
  • He also told me his fantasy is to live in a house with a bunch of girls. (Where are you in this picture?)
  • When looking for girl for threesomes, he wants to "date" them first to make sure he likes them.(What's that? Is "date" mean he fuck previews them before bringing them home to have you fuck with them? Where are you in this picture? You just have to fuck with whoever HE picks? You have a voice in your threesome participation or not? He wants to be monoamorous to you and ethical swing with you or not?)
  • He said something along the lines of "I love you, and we are perfect together. I don't think I can feel the same way about anyone else." (That's nice. I'm still not hearing "I RESPECT YOU ". He says he loves you. Why? Because you are ok with him cheating on you? That might be perfect for him and why he loves you so! Is this all perfect for YOU how it is right now?)
  • I try to clarify my confusion and communicate more openly with him. He gets really angry and calls me jealous (blameshifting, make a fuss so you back off and then he does not have to answer) so I cannot clear up the confusion.

IS THIS POSSIBLE?
  • I rather assume he is closet poly, because that is easier for me to take. Because then I can still be loved and Molly can still be loved.
  • It's easier than me assuming he's using Molly and using me and just saying whatever to get away with his bad behavior

WANT
  • I just want him to be honest with me and let me have a conversation with him about this without him getting angry.
  • I think you might MEAN : I just want him to give me responsive feedback with clear communication. I want to be respected and I want him to be accountable in our relationship. Not use anger or other techniques to avoid the issues. (Is that what you mean?)

He cheated -- his talk is cheap. He is not a person of his word right now. What do his actions tell you?

Weigh him in the balance and see what you see. You already gave him a chance to give his information for you to take on board. He did not take the opportunity. So you can move forward without his input then.

Weigh WHAT IS here to discern for yourself -- Does he deliver what YOU want and need from a romantic relationship? Does he respect your limits? Yes or no?

FEEDBACK
Quote:
If he is in fact a Poly, then we need to reevaluate our relationship. Based on your knowledge and experiences, do you think he is?
I agree YOU need to reevaluate this relationship against what YOU want and need in relationship. (Things may be hunky dory on his end just how they are!)

I'm not getting poly here. I'm getting a jealous, possessive dude who wants to build a harem and who will NOT communicate clearly with you. Who also cheated on you.

I'm not sure I'd want to approach talking to him about it any more. Previous approaches yield nothing constructive. He does not WANT to give clear communication. He does not want to be direct. He does not want to be held accountable.

Sooo.. where do you want to take it? One last shot to try to sort out issues, or just call it enough is enough and walk away? Are you at your limit? That's your call to make.

If it were me? I'd dump him. And go get a sex health screening from the cheater thing. Ugh.

HTH!
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-26-2012 at 07:25 PM.
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