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Old 09-26-2012, 02:30 PM
thinker thinker is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27

Originally Posted by Papillon View Post
You seem to jump between extremes in your thinking - you've gone from being really keen to do this right now to saying you're a horrible person for even thinking about it in just a few hours!

You're not a horrible person for being interested in this stuff, or for thinking it might be a good thing for your relationship at some point. All people have said is that you should think carefully about when you bring it up, when you open up (if you decide to), and why you are doing it. That's sensible advice for any relationship-changing step! You've decided not to pursue it now, which shows that you have consideration for your partner.

Don't beat yourself up about this when all you did was consider the possibility!

Being proactive is not a bad thing - it gets stuff done. You just need to make sure you don't get ahead of yourself and end up tripping over your own feet in your hurry
i know i was exaggerating a-bit but it just magnify my problems and i had to admit my mistakes like asking my wife to have an open marriage when she just give birth to our second child that is just pretty pathetic. i guess i rushed a-bit on this issue by being proactive (may be because i had busy work schedules) ahhh well i will put this on-hold for a while not sure how long but i will tell her eventually......

thanks for trying to make me feel better but i guess bashing myself is one of the ways for admitting my flaws (weird way but it works!) ahhh well thanks anyway Papillon

Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Op... I am in an Open marriage.

My husband, of 11 years, who is monogamous is the one like you who opened things up. Before him I flitted from boyfriend to boyfriend. He approached me with the same original argument as yours. He wanted me to be happy.

BUT he had his own rewards in mind when he did so and it wasn't simply me being happy. He wanted something out of it too that I couldn't give him when it was just the two of us. He wanted BDSM from me and I am not wired that way. But if I am extremely happy I am apt to get more adventurous with hubby and his wants. He also is a bit of a cuckold.

Long story short I have met a man who I have fallen deeply in love with. Never went looking for the level of intimacy I have with M. Both emotional and physically. My relationships are separate but equal. I spend 50/50 with each man.

It is hard for my husband. He worries that I will leave him for M. Not happening. My husband is a once in a lifetime love. I love each man deeply. They are so different but yet the same.

Originally my boyfriend was to be kept separate from my family. Things have changed. My kids will be meeting the boyfriend soon. They will be joining me on some of my weekends with M at least during the day. His family is excited to be gaining three new kids. My parents and MIL live in Illinois and Iowa. My poor kids have no local family. They will finally get what other kids have, and my boyfriends mom is getting instant grand kids and is excited. My boyfriend never wants to get married and while he likes kids he doesn't want any of his own. Never felt the urge. But he wants forever but he is like me and needs his space now and again. I go home several nights a week.

For example this past weekend was M's weekend off. I spend those weekends with him. Usually from Sat afternoon through Monday when I go into work. I also saw him for a bit yesterday morning and I will going to spend the night tonight. This weekend he works and my husband is off. This weekend will be a family weekend. I wont see M until either an evening next week or the following weekend.

My husband is one hell of a man. I know he gets jealous. I have given him permission to find someone else. But it isn't always so easy. He does give up a lot for my happiness which I appreciate and cherish.
You are a one lucky wife Dagferi with a loving husband who had done a-lot for you. I know how he feels if his wife love her lover as much as himself, he must be pretty stressed up now. But i guess it might be because of the playing field between you and your H are imbalance or he is just being cuckold. Why wasn't so easy to make your H to find someone else? If my wife agrees with this i might be in a similar situation like him but not for long, before i go to Ashley Madison to have a network of friends-with-benefits and ultimately dating (if i m lucky since i m not good at knowing girls). Because i might be quite jealous on something like why my wife is enjoying her self while i don't have as much? I believe that both partners when engaging in an arrangement like this both of them should be enjoying themselves instead of one sided which has failed the purpose of open marriage in the first place.

btw got a few questions

-how long have you been engaging in an open marriage?

-how did your H proposed open marriage to you? (timing, situation and etc)

-is your M your first bf? or your ?th bf since open marriage

-how did you arrange your time between your H and your M since it requires massive amounts of time management

-how will you plan your time if one of them (H or M) wants to go to overseas with you (since i m foreign born it IS compulsory to go to overseas and also other places at the same time with my wife which can be like 100/0 for the next 1.5 months)

-financial arrangements?

-distance between your house and M's house?

-how bout the kids and family will they get used to it? (since my family especially my relatives comes from traditional background of monogamy i m -afraid they will disown me if they ever know it)

-did you try to separate them between primary and secondary partner? ( it will be my early arrangement where me and my wife's relationship is above all else -even if we had emotions to our respective lovers.

-what are your rules of open marriage?

(i know i asked lots of questions and its not few but thanks for telling your experiences from my situation and my perspective)

eager for a response............

Last edited by thinker; 09-26-2012 at 03:18 PM.
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