So last week, I had three first dates scheduled with guys off an online dating site.
Date #1 was dinner on Weds with C. I don't have nicknames made up yet, we'll see if they are needed. I thought it went very well. I openly admit I already had a huge e-crush on him from his profile and the emails we had exchanged. We had talked once on the phone to firm up plans, and conversation flowed smoothly. The dinner went well. Conversation was constant, I enjoyed myself immensely. Tried putting out the "dude, go for it, kiss the girl" vibe and realize I am probably not very good at it. Mildly put off because I got the "I am not looking for a dating relationship right now", but I am hopeful if we continue to hit it off, perhaps we could become lover-friends. As per my prior post, I am not really looking for a traditional coupled relationship. I am looking for friendship, intimacy, honesty. So, we shall see.
Date #2 didn't happen! Was supposed to be coffee Saturday mid-morning, but the guy never showed, and didn't answer his cell. I have nicknamed him Mr. Cling, though there won't be any follow up posts. He already had two strikes against him. His young child is in his profile pic, which just squicks me out. No offense meant to anyone who does so but as a parent myself I can't fathom having a photo with my kid on a dating site. Strike two (and what earned the nickname from myself and a couple friends) was how if I didn't immediately reply on an email (like without a couple hours even) I'd get a follow up email. I'm a pretty busy person, working full time and being a single mom. I shoot for replying within 24 hours but it doesn't always happen. So the not calling and not showing up was strike 3. Strike 4 was him calling me 90 mins after the fact, three times in 10 minutes, and then emailing to explain that he had an awful morning etc etc and he was on his way but I probably wouldn't be there when he arrived. Uh... no kidding. On the voicemail I left him I told him I was leaving the coffee shop.
Date #3 was lunch on Saturday with A. It went well. Conversation flowed smoothly, he's attractive enough though I don't get the tinglies I get from being around C. I am mildly put off my one thing in his profile, which was an answer to a question (on a site that has tons of "questions" you can answer to help "match" you) which was about cheating. He answered that he cheated once, but it was long ago, a huge mistake, would never do it again. Seeing as how infidelity just broke up my marriage, I am hesitant to pursue anything with an admitted cheater. Now to be fair, maybe it was something stupid in high school, which I could perhaps look past. But I know myself well enough to know I am already having enough trouble trusting people I already know, let alone new folks, that I would probably be waiting for the other shoe to fall. It is possible a lover-friends style relationship might work, but I am leaning towards friendship. We'll see.
I've been doing a lot of thinking on the concept of love - both the emotion as well as physical intimacy - not having to "mean" anything more. I want to be in a position where I can tell a lover "I love you" without them freaking out thinking it means anything more than a simple expression of feeling. When I was dating Marty earlier this year, I was terrified to tell him I loved him, because I knew he would take it as a loaded phrase and freak out. It makes me sad that by default we have so many expectations tied to those three simple words. This is probably the best lesson I have learned from my forays into poly - you can love, and it doesn't have to "lead" to anything else except more love.
On the physical intimacy side... I have always told myself I was one of those girls who had to be in love deeply before sleeping with someone. In truth, that was only perhaps true with my first. My subsequent partners, I tend to have sex first, then say "I am in love", when really it's just the heightened emotions from having a ton of sex after a dry spell. It's not a healthy way to live. It has lead me into some unhealthy relationships founded moreso on chemistry in bed than on commonalities out of bed. I am hoping that with my search to find a lover-friend or two, I am able to just let love grow if and when it does, and simultaneously not be held back from enjoying physical things by this "I must be in love" mindset - but also not decide "I am in love" because of having sex with someone.
"This, too, is sacred."
I am my own primary.