New to the forums and the lifestyle!
So I'm EXTREMELY new to polyamory, which is no doubt going to be extremely obvious when I don't know any acronyms or anything, but I'm so so excited to finally be honest with myself about the way I want to conduct my lovelife.
Quick backstory: I'm bisexual, and for years have careered around aimlessly swinging between mad unrequited infatuations and unfulfilling flings with people I'm not that interested in. I believe that feeling a huge pressure to get into a state of monogamy has contributed to my history of romantic disasters - I'd try to force myself to feel things for my casual partners, and become obsessed with the people I fell for as I'd be so overcome with finally finding somebody that I thought I could accept monogamy with.
Then I met a guy and fell in love in a more balanced way, and we were together for two years. I was happy, mostly, but realised I felt restricted and repressed and would overanalyse every flaw or difference because I thought that if I was going to get everything from one person, then they would have to be exactly the right person. But I can't get everything from one person, and it's taken me a long time not to hate myself for that. We broke up from all the arguments and everything, and I started sleeping with a couple of other people. It was a revelation, great sex and new people with new things to talk about and new dynamics and new everything... but that really really rare connection I'd had with my ex wasn't there, and I realised I missed it and had thrown it away without thinking. He was still in love with me and trying to get me back, but I knew if I got back into the same relationship structure things would be the same. I was honest with him about the people I'd slept with and the way i was feeling, and that's where we are now - trying to work out a new way of being together, where I can maintain these secondary involvements and have everybody know exactly what's going on and be happy with it. It's the hardest juggling act ever and I'm still constantly wondering if I'm just morally corrupt, greedy or slutty, but it's a work in progress.
Anyway! That wasn't as quick a backstory as I thought it would be, sorry! Thanks for reading x