Originally Posted by MusicalRose
I guess it is just a matter of proposing it to her then. Make sure you come to the talk prepared to answer lots of questions:
- Is she allowed to have emotional intimacy with others as well as physical?
- What are the rules for safer sex?
- Are you going to want the same kind of freedom from her?
- And if she isn't willing to give it, do you still want her to have her freedom?
- What are your insecurities approaching this (i.e. what could make you jealous)?
- What are your needs, wants, and limits?
The reason why one identifies as polyamorous need only be that they feel they can love more than one person. The reasons to actually open usually require a strong core relationship and consent and agreement from both partners that they can both be comfortable with that. It sounds like you have a great thing going with your wife, and I'm very interested to see how it turns out. :-)
Well thanks for giving me some good assumptions if i ever want to ask but the truth is that i don't know whether she wants this kind of freedom in the first place
"Is she allowed to have emotional intimacy with others as well as physical?"
yes sometimes a person can love more than a person and monogamy really restrict this kind of intimacy and makes people psychologically unhealthy. No one is perfect and no marriage is 100% anyone who says that is a potential cheat.
(i heard that people who had affairs tend to be more healthy psychologically than people who still stick with monogamy *quite a sad thing but it proves that loving more than one person really gives your life a good kick in a long run)
the only problem i have is to deal with envy and jealousy which is there any books about how to deal with those factors?
"What are the rules for safer sex?"
What do you mean by what rules? I mean safe sex is essential and compulsory, condoms and conception pills are absolutely. And i will prepare for us to have constant STD test as part of the arrangement anyway so no worries.
"Are you going to want the same kind of freedom from her?"
Interestingly i want to have the same kind of freedom but the point is that i want to have an open marriage is because i want her to have the freedom not me. So as an arrangement if she agrees to have an open marriage, when she starts dating from day 1 i will not date with anyone for a whole year to prove her that my reasoning for an open marriage is not for my enjoyment but is for hers. Also i can focus all my energies on my jealously and envious problems (Buddhist text are really good showing the art of forgiveness and how to handle with a-lot of aspects of live includes jealousy)
Another reason for not dating other girls while she is dating is that by the whole year was up (by which i m more enlighten and less jealous by then). When i start to date other girls, i would use my experience during that year of coping with jealousy and other insecurities to make my wife more secured (since by that time i will be having lots of self-help books and internet advice listed in my notepad).
"And if she isn't willing to give it, do you still want her to have her freedom?"
Never think of that but she is a very understanding person since she had changed herself for the sake of me and over the years we both do things together sports, video or board games, cooking, cleaning (everything!). I guess she would have asked me that i should have a girlfriend or even a boyfriend (ooops didn't tell you i m Bi-sexual btw) if she agrees with open marriage (and she is a believer of having equal playing field)
"What are your insecurities approaching this (i.e. what could make you jealous)?"
There are fears of that she will leave me and the kids with her lover if they got too close and her lover disrespect our primary relationship (thats why lovers should be at least 25 yro or more since the younger they are the more immature and disrespectful they are). Also even though i would allow her to stayed overnight at her lover's house once per week i can feel that i feel alone on my own bed (after all we slept together for like 5 years. Also i m afraid he is a better lover than i do (which can be a double-edge sword since she can be more fulfilled but she can just falls completely for him). STD and health issues of course. Keep wondering what she is doing with her lover, how awesome sex is between her and her lover. Would the lover try to hijack my marriage. It seems the insecurities are endless........ but making details of your insecurities can give you your aims in how to deal with it in the first place.
"What are your needs, wants, and limits?"
My needs and wants for now is to make my wife live in a happier life without the constrains of monogamous marriage but can enjoy both worlds as i keep saying it. (later i might want to have a gf but AFTER i deal with my JEALOUSY ISSUES of course). Limits are that either of our lovers will not enter our property, interact with our family or friends since i want our kids to live in a seemingly monogamous family structure and i don't want my friends and family know that we had that kind of decision. (I may allow to tell about our arrangement with our closest friends so that we can have a small tightly knitted support network if either of us feel insecure. Yeah thats how i answer this.
Originally Posted by MusicalRose
It sounds like you have a great thing going with your wife, and I'm very interested to see how it turns out. :-)
I don't consider as a great thing for my wife i considered as a gesture of thanks for loving me and giving the family two wonderful kids. It is HER who have done great things for me
so Musical Rose do you engaged in a open marriage relationship?