So what would the more poly-experienced folks on this board do? What are the likely consequences that would come of our wives a) proceeding as planned tomorrow night
Not tell other hubby and get his full consent? Then this is a cheating affair. I frown on this.
It's not like polyamory says NO, dude. It just says go slow, be honest, and take it easy on people's hearts.
I'm frankly uncomfortable being a party to those talks. My gut says it isn't any of my business, yet the possible secrecy (keeping the other husband in the dark about our wives' relationship) flies in the face of the openness and truth telling the three of us have at least said we want to foster between us.
You have every
right to hold up your LIMIT. Your gut is telling you it IS your business. You are married to your wife, and your wife's well being is part of you business until you are no longer married or in relationship.
They have made you an accessory before the fact because you know he is being kept in the dark before they plot their cheating hook up. It is now your business. You have been roped in.
They are also upsetting you by not getting his consent because this makes your wife a knowing participating cheater. Are you happy knowing this about your wife's character? Are you happy knowing this about your potential metamour that you are supposed to entrust your wife's well being to?
They promise you open truthiness? Ok. Here is first opportunity to practice open truthiness in their new developing romance. They choose what? Do lies of omission to him and choose to do accessory before the fact to you. Yuck! (Now you also wonder what they are already keeping / will be keeping from you with lies of omission, huh?)
Are you happy to be used this way? Nope. Why else would you post? Soooo not ethical. This is not loving behavior toward the husbands. Keeping him in the dark and causing you mental and emotional pain.
b) putting it off until after the other woman and her husband can at least talk through their own problems
Tell him and pause affair until they are sorted in the marriage? Better. Treating people with more respect there.
Or tell him and go ahead without his consent? This would still be a cheating affair. Just in front of his face instead of behind his back. Callous!
Be kinder to end it with him first! And you are still being upset for all the reasons in A) above. Still not treating husbands with loving behavior.
c) letting him know or not know about the developing affair
Consequences of her letting him know she is attracted to your wife?
- He is being given his right to full information and clear communication from his wife.
- He can take this information on board when evaluating their marriage with her for status / repair-ability /assessment / his willingness to stay in it.
- Hard for him to hear and for her to speak probably, but she is at least being honest and respectful of his right to clear communication. Better than lying!
- Still pending his consent.
- She (and your wife) ARE honoring their agreement to open truthiness to you.
- She (and your wife) ARE NOT making you an accessory before the fact and roping you into dirty and LEAVING you there
Consequences of her not letting him know?
- She doesn't have to do hard conversation that may be Hard to Speak.
- She doesn't have to deal with his reaction.
- She denies his right to clear communication and full information in his marriage! She withholds information from him that could have bearing when evaluating their marriage with her for status / repair-ability /assessment / his willingness to stay in it.
- He is denied the ability to give informed consent. He has no clue.
- She (and your wife) ARE NOT honoring their agreement to open truthiness to you.
- She (and your wife) ARE making you an accessory before the fact and roping you into dirty and leaving you there. Boo!
d) a postponement of a deeper relationship between these two women entirely until the other marriage is resolved or dissolved
Best and cleanest. Nothing wrong with being friends and her finishing up with the OLD romance configuration with her husband appropriately (monogamous relationship) before beginning a new one with the husband (open polyship or a divorce, depending) and THEN a new one with your wife (as girlfriends) and a new one with you (as metamour).
In those shoes? I'd hope my DH had some self respect. That he felt he was worth waiting for and dating nicely and appropriately. Tell the potential person something like
"I care for you too. But my wife and I have ethical agreements to meet before taking on new partners. So go home and sort your thing out with your husband. Patch it up to Open Well, or Break Up Well first. So things are clean. THEN look me up. Don't be involving me and my wife in drama if you claim to love me so. That is not loving behavior toward ME. That is also not respectful behavior to my wife, your potential metamour. Disrespect to my wife is disrespect to me. Love me and respect me enough to date me nicely and appropriately."
I'm not in a position to serve as his advocate, however. And I'm afraid that any attempt by me to argue against the wisdom of following through with tomorrow's date night would be viewed as me selfishly attempting to derail their plans to have sex, which I can't pretend doesn't scare me to some degree.
You have the right to state your own wants, needs, and limits.
If it were me and DH in this? If my DH was planning on doing that with his potential GF? Planning a hotel hookup despite my not giving full consent (because the other spouse is being kept in the dark?)
I would remind him this is NOT ethical and there will be consequences on our relationship tier for going on with the plan. I cannot be with a cheater. I have a limit. We have agreements about all parties giving consent.
If he moves forward despite my voicing concerns and limits?
- He helps her cheat on her husband behind his back.
- He'd be breaking agreements with me and cheating on me in front of my face.
- Even if she and her hubby break up? This behavior is not endearing this new metamour to me. This behavior is not endearing DH to me.
- I would dump his butt for breaking agreement and cheating on me in front of my face.
- I'd call up the other spouse to let him know our spouses were having a cheating affair, I dumped DH's butt, and was informing him so he could make his own decisions on dealing with his end of things.
I cannot control other people. I can control me and how I behave. I can respect my own limits.
Let's have some ethics and some kind of a code, dude. Play like Jedi. Not like the Muppet Show!