Wanted: Advice about an affair that may not wait
Two weeks ago, my wife of 10 years (GF of an addition 15 or so years) admitted to having an unconsummated attraction to a married female colleague. Although this initially threw me, I love and trust my wife enough to not stand in her way and to believe, as she has convinced me, that there's room in her heart for two.
My wife and I have talked at length over the last several days and covered a great deal of emotional ground. It's been a real rollercoaster for me in particular. She and I have also been in research mode, which has helped inform our disenchantment with monogamy.
However, our judgment may be clouded.
The fact is, the other woman's marriage is on the rocks and she's torn about telling her husband about the budding affair. While her unhappiness with him predates my wife's arrival on the scene, that other marriage is the subject of much discussion between her and my wife. I'm frankly uncomfortable being a party to those talks. My gut says it isn't any of my business, yet the possible secrecy (keeping the other husband in the dark about our wives' relationship) flies in the face of the openness and truth telling the three of us have at least said we want to foster between us.
The other woman recently informed her husband that he has neglected her to such a degree that she's on the brink of calling it quits. This has gotten his attention (he's spent much of the past several months out of state) and in response he's finally said things that lead her to believe he wants to rescue their relationship.
Whether that happens or it ends, she apparently wants to pursue an intimate relationship with my wife, just as my wife wants to be with her. My wife's GF said at one point she won't tell her husband about the affair-to-be but at other times has said it would be better if he knew sooner rather than later.
In the mean time, she and my wife are planning to spend their first night together - at a hotel tomorrow (Wednesday) night. (They have reportedly kissed but have not gone further than that as of yet.) They planned this night before her husband agreed to fly home next Tuesday to try to reconcile with her. His flight has not, however, convinced the women to push back their date.
I don't have a problem with their desire to be together. But I'm unnerved by the other husband not knowing what's happening, let alone not having the opportunity to give his consent (not that anyone thinks he would, he's not being given a chance). As I was recently told by a member of this forum, "You can't build a poly life on a bad marriage. That's Poly 101."
I'd really hate to be him. A part of me is rooting for him to salvage their marriage. But the odds are stacked against him, and maybe rightfully so, but he doesn't know that yet.
I'm not in a position to serve as his advocate, however. And I'm afraid that any attempt by me to argue against the wisdom of following through with tomorrow's date night would be viewed as me selfishly attempting to derail their plans to have sex, which I can't pretend doesn't scare me to some degree.
So what would the more poly-experienced folks on this board do? What are the likely consequences that would come of our wives a) proceeding as planned tomorrow night, b) putting it off until after the other woman and her husband can at least talk through their own problems, c) letting him know or not know about the developing affair, or d) postponing development of a deeper relationship between thee two women entirely until the other marriage is resolved or dissolved?
I think I know the answers. But I/we could use some more objective input.
Last edited by BraverySeeker; 09-25-2012 at 09:25 PM.