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Old 09-25-2012, 01:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,477
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I am VERY sorry you are going through this. I apologize in advance if what I write is Hard to Hear.

Your situation disturbs me though. You deserve better treatment.

So I'm going to just spit it out. I hope it helps you. It is not meant to hurt you more. I can see you hurt as it is. Again, I am sorry you are going through this.

Quote:
Opening started two or three months after I moved here, shortly before I got pregnant, or at least before we knew. There wasn't really any opening. I think Opening implies a process. We didn't really have that.
So he just DECIDED? One day? BAM! We are Open? That's not ethical. You cannot make unilateral decisions in a couplehood!

Quote:
He's not expecting me to just do it on my own, but he can't be giving me constant reassurance either, and sometimes I need more than he is comfortable with. He thinks it starts to sound contrived.
These things you want are NOT constant reassurance or contrived. They sound like reasonable things/boundaries to me. If anything they are very little and incomplete! Look at it written out in plain english:
I want more absolutes and structure for the first year of Open Marriage so I can know what is happening when so I can transition well. Things like...

FOR MY MENTAL WELL BEING
  • Poor communication is a major issue. (Lack of responsiveness a problem)
    • When I ask him what is wrong, I want a response. I do not want information withheld.
    • I want to know about dates at least a day ahead of time
    • When I voice a need, concern, or request -- I want a response. I do not want to be put off with "I'll try" or dropping the subject entirely
  • I want boundary agreements made with me

FOR MY EMOTIONAL WELL BEING
  • I want date aftercare such as a night between dates to reconnect with me
  • I want date with just ME so we can maintain our own relationship tier

FOR MY PHYSICAL WELL BEING
  • sex health info? You do not even mention it. Is he going bareback? Making kids elsewhere? Catching cooties he could give you?
  • postpartum needs? PPD?
  • Help with childcare so you are not running ragged with a newborn?

FOR MY SPIRITUAL WELL BEING
  • what?

WHAT I AM WILLING TO PUT IN
  • I am willing to try, even though it was not a process of Opening and thrust upon me.
  • I am willing to ask about how things are going in his dating life even though I find it awkward
  • I have/have not been given a list of his wants, needs, limits that I could be DOING to help this couplehood transition well. (Not feeling, DOING)

WHAT HE IS WILLING TO PUT IN
  • At this time, he is not willing to communicate clearly or make time to work on us to help me articulate my wants, needs, and limits to Transition Well
  • He is not willing provide or deal with things like honoring my wants, needs, limits that I have articulated by myself so far to help me Transition Well.
  • His freedom to do whatever, whenever is more important to him than any one person, I think, and if he feels like I am asking him to do things that restrict that freedom, I don't think I have a place here. (puts his needs and comfort first)
This is bad/disturbing behavior:
  • makes no effort to relieve my isolation
  • controls all the money
  • Has lied to me twice (direct lie and lie of omission)
  • he thinks I'm not making any progress and my pace is too slow and all I do is wallow in self pity (blaming YOU when he does not change HIS behaviour to help smooth the way?)
  • Ignores my requests (to work on us, slow down the pace, things listed above in boundaries, etc.)
  • "it seems like you're always upset with me and I can't be around all that negativity," (considers you calling him into account you being "negative?" How about owning your own behavior and acknowledging it hurt your partner?)

Quote:
It's a day by day process of reassuring myself and examining why something bothers me and telling myself why it shouldn't.
It just DOES bother you. Feelings are feelings. Those cannot be changed or controlled -- they just bubble up when they do. Stop trying to convince yourself you should not feel what you feel.

What CAN be changed is BEHAVIOR. So what situation caused the feeling to bubble up? What behavior on his part/your part can be changed next time? To see if the same feeling bubbles up or not?

For example, he doesn't give you a 24 hr heads up on a date. So that can disturb your household routine -- at the very least plans for making you guys dinner and expecting no parent help at all that night. (This is fresh.)

He will not provide aftercare time to reconnect with you after the dates. (This is neglecting current established partner.)

If you bring this to his attention and you get a response like "I can't deal with your negativity?" (This is avoidy blameshifting.)

How are you supposed to feel anything but unappreciated/ devalued in that situation? (You can't feel happy here -- that's for sure!)

And this is YOU not progressing fast enough to embrace polyamory? Why would you embrace this new relationship model? When you yourself are not being shown loving behavior? Who runs to embrace being treated badly?

Quote:
As I said before, I see couples on here with a mono partner that has taken years to achieve acceptance of their partner's polyamory. I guess he's not able to wait that long.
More like he's not willing to change his behavior to help you any. He's not being the best partner ever here when he neglects you. He's not interested in being a good partner here and there is no relationship here that feeds you. That alone is enough to leave -- there is no relationship that feeds you here.

But this whole thing smells weirder and weirder to me. I cannot tell from over Internet if you are being gaslighted or made to think it is all you or what. Only you know what is going on over there. But your situation is red flagging me. Please be careful over there.

Check the Speak Out Loud list. Take it to highlighter. See if anything else on there rings a bell. I'm not saying you are being emotionally / mentally abused. I would not wish it on anyone! But that may help you see more clearly if you are being played.

If you end up with a lot of yellow highlighter all over the place? Don't walk to leave. RUN! Call mom to rescue you and get out safely.

Quote:
I'm feeling calmer now, and thus less likely to dwell on leaving, but I think perhaps I should.
I think so too! He's not playing fair or ethically. Ugh. He's sounding weird. If he's just not willing to adapt his behavior, you are only going to get more of the same treatment. This is NOT what good polyamory is to me. I am so sorry your first experience of "polamory" is less than ethical and loving and possibly edging into the land of abuse.

I am very glad you are in good communication with your mother though. I think your instinct to get out is right. GO! Call mom! Protect you and the kid!

You deserve to be treated nicely in your relationships. Remember you have dignity, worth, and value even if you are being poorly treated right now.

hugs,

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-25-2012 at 03:02 PM.
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