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Old 09-25-2012, 06:12 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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The weekend was a wash of burlesque and my brother being in town mostly. That and a wonderful date to a local park for a hike and then dinner...

I came out to my brother about the burlesque. Well, his partner anyway and then him. She wanted to know if they could crash at our place while they were in town and I had to tell her that I had a show the night of her wanting to stay over. No biggy, they came to the show! It was a strange sight to look out over the crowd and see my baby brother though. Not overly comfortable, but I just ignored it and carried on. He saw a number that was more funny than sexy. Thank goodness.

Brad came to see my show for the first time too. He sat behind my brother, his partner and Mono. I'm not sure why he sat alone. It seemed odd to me but after the show we met up with Derby and a large group of friends including Brad's wife, and the man I have been chatting with often that Leo's wife used to date and he seemed to socialize well with everyone there.

Leo's wifes ex and I have become friends and it was great that he and his wife came over along with the others. He and I have an on going casual friendship that is just pleasant and relaxed. No drama and no expectations.

Derby had her last bout of the season on Saturday and I directed everyone to see her that night. There is always burlesque. There isn't always derby. Now the season is done I will invite people to see the next big show I'm in for Halloween. I have a show in between, but that is the biggy.

So everyone came over to Mono's house and we partied until 2. It was the second night in a row for Mono and I and we were in the groove. The night before had been a party for our monogamous friends and the night had been just that... monogamous (whatever that means... after years of poly I can actually sense a difference).

The party was a poly pile up. Complete with newbies and many metamours and loves. Just the way I like it. Mono commented after that he had enjoyed himself and thought that our new group of friends suited him and us more than the poly friends of the past. It does seem to be the beginning of a new era of poly friends. One that is well needed. There are some straggling old poly friends, but I feel as if there is a fresh start somehow.

My brother and PN came down to meet everyone and socialized for a while, but went up to bed after an hour. It was great to fall into bed after a large martini; dirty and wet and a large take out poutine (French Canadian dish made of french fries, gravy and cheese curds . Fucking awesome!). I was content. Satisfied.

Sunday I went for a hike with Brad after picking all the rest of the apples off our tree. It was the fourth tree of fruit to pick this summer and I was glad to finally give it a rest and give all the fruit away. The garden wasn't that great this year. The flowers were, but the veg sucked. It just wasn't warm and sunny enough at the right time. Damned island weather.

Brad and I hadn't seen each other in a couple of weeks and it was great to catch up and get all our stories out. We lay in a large grassy field for a time and sat by the ocean. It was a moment I won't easily forget. It was the moment where I realized that there is really no going back and that I am not scared any more. I have full trust of the situation and my lack of control in it. It was a good feeling to just be myself and be content that the others were as satisfied as I could possibly help make them.

Four partners is really too many. It really is. I don't suggest it. I don't know how I am managing and I don't think I give any relationship all I could if there were less, but I carry on and give as much as I can. Sometimes I want to hide and pretend its just me to think about. Maybe I will take a break sometimes and do just that, but when I feel I have caught up with one I remind myself of the perceived neglect of another. I flit from one relationship to another all the while never feeling as if I have caught up or been able to give as much as I would of liked to of.

Brad and I talked at dinner about how one knows that a person is partner-worthy. I decided that if I could imagine going on an vacation with someone where we would spend a lot of down time together, just sitting and staring quietly in the comfort of the others presence, then they are worth looking at for a partner. Small talk and having the need to entertain someone, to me, indicates friendship.

Silence and solitude with very little going on is a huge leap for me from daily life. I don't adjust easily and I need to feel safe to go through that with someone. It would make me so vulnerable and so much a part of myself that isn't visible to many that I would have to trust deeply. Turning extroversion into introversion is a vulnerable thing. I don't do that with anyone except those I love and trust the most.... ahhhh, a vacation like that with any of my loves fills my heart with glee. I really do think that I couldn't do without any of the four.


Mono's friend is off again and won't be seeing her until December. Maybe not again for longer than that. He admitted last week that things have changed between them and that he hasn't given her the friendship he promised. He felt that he had backed away and that he had not lived up to the agreement he made to not do that. She, in turn, has backed away also. although I still see a heck of a lot of posting back and forth on fb and notice occasionally when she writes him on fb. What "backing away" means I don't really understand. Changed feelings I think.

I was surprised he told me all the info he did actually. I don't hear about her often and I think I might of even asked to get that much out of him. He likes to be private, but is beginning to tell me when people flirt with him and what happens when they do. He has a large number of followers and he loves to be admired. He's a charming man and very funny. I know that he gets lots of attention that I don't know about and I feel far more comfortable knowing about it. I ask questions so as to understand better though and he thinks that I am feeling threatened. Really I am just curious and trying to sort out how I feel about certain people propositioning my man. Ha! I'm just not used to it. Even if its likely been going on for some time without my knowing.

We have been fighting more often lately on stupid little things that run away with us. I worry about it a bit due to his opening up emotionally a bit more about the woman etc. and the awkwardness of this new feeling of knowing more personal stuff about him, but I blow it off and make jokes about it. I don't think I will feel comfortable until after he finishes work for good and is settled into his new routine. All of us are waiting for that. The whole house at this point.
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