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Old 09-25-2012, 03:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,211

I think it is something I did because when I asked him if it was, he said he didn't know. When asked again later, he gave a non-answer of "It's okay." I am upset because I don't know exactly what I did, or if it even is something I did. I'm upset because he's upset and I don't know what to do to help him feel better. I told him those things.
It's not so much what you did. But what he is doing. I'd be upset because by not being responsive he'd be shutting me out of his inner life and denying me emotional intimacy.

It's not that I'd rather him deal with finances, it's that he is the one working for the money, he is the one doing the budgeting, and he generally will tell me if there is something I need to know about it. If I was working, I'd gladly do these things myself.
So you are his dependent. And not even legally protected as the legal wife. He makes all the money and controls all the money and denies you financial knowledge of your couple finances. No financial intimacy?

What stops him from going bananas one day and kicking you and kid out leaving you both homeless and penniless?

Just cuz?

I am in this relationship because I love him. Because we share a lot of similar goals, political interests, parenting philosophies. Because it wasn't open from the start, and I told him I would try because logically, it makes sense. Logically, I couldn't tell you why I should have a problem with it. Emotionally, it just doesn't seem to work that way.
If you are having a problem with it, you are having a problem with it. One part of the couple is not happy. Ergo, this whole couple is not happy with it.

What is logical about plunging on without both people on the same page?

Working on it means getting to the point where none of this strikes me as negative. Getting to the point where it is at least neutral, where he can share these things with me and I don't become upset.
That is not something you can control. Emotion is emotion. You feel whatever you feel when you feel it. It just bubbles up.

I was asking about concrete DOINGS. Not FEELINGS.

What BEHAVIOR does he ALREADY DO to help you feel secure, respected and considered in this couplehood?

  • You have a date night.
  • he could agree to Close to work with FOCUS on your relationship (rather than ignoring request)
  • limit calls to other women when in your presence? Agree to keep it to what? Certain time of day? Not in the same room as you? Not during dinner? Not before bed time with you? (Where is your limit on that? Do you even have one?)
  • what else? What BEHAVIOR do you need from him that he could do to help you feel secure?

What could he do MORE of?
  • share his inner life more with you rather than give you one word answers like "I dunno"
  • If not given the chance to practice, exactly how are you supposed to grow strong in hearing about his inner life and developing confidence, compersion, and so on? By magic?
  • share financial knowledge?
  • do his part of the house chores?
  • do his part of the parenting?
  • help you with transportion problem (share car if you own one? Get bus pass? Can you not drive him to work and then have the car for errands the rest of the day?)
  • what else? What BEHAVIOR could he do more of?

What BEHAVIOUR could he do less of?
  • List the stuff.

What BEHAVIOR do you ALREADY DO to help you feel secure, respected, and considered in this couplehood? How do you consider him in the couple hood?
  • You have started participating here to get feedback from the outside looking in for reality checks
  • List the other stuff.

What BEHAVIOR could you do MORE of to help you feel secure, respected, and considered in this couplehood?
  • take more interest in the finances?
  • could read more poly resources/communication resources/healthy rship resources
  • what else? List it.

What BEHAVIOR could you do less of?
  • not be as passive. Be more assertive?
  • what else? List it.

Things like that. Actual things to DO. Make your lists.

You will feel whatever you feel. But DOING things?

You can check off what he is doing/not doing
  • to meet his own wants, needs, limits
  • to meet your wants, needs, limits

You can check off what you are/are not doing
  • to meet your own wants, needs, limits
  • to meet his wants, needs, limits

Then whenever you feel blah you can pull out your checklists and reassure yourself that YES, he is doing all he can that you asked for to help meet your wants, needs, and limits. You are doing all you can. With your BEHAVIORS to each other. Then you can learn to feel better because the behavior shows your reality. It's not clouded by moods/feelings.

Or if he isn't or you are not doing your behaviours you agreed to do for each other, you can hold the right party accountable.

I'm dealing with some compromise because I think it's possible to become comfortable with it in the long run, it just may take a long time. I don't know how many posts I've seen here with a relationship starting closed, even with one partner staying mono when it opens, and it taking years for that partner to adjust. I don't really like the idea of it taking years, but I am at least willing to try.
Cruise through some of these:

See if any of that helps you. Esp the opening a monogamous relationship and "safe enough" with the communication and boundaries.

I worry you are too passive and getting run over.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-25-2012 at 06:15 AM.
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