Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine
I understand exactly what Cioli is talking about though. Nobody wants to be relegated to "standby". Yet at the same time, this is all some people want, or are willing to give given the relationship dynamics. And this is okay!
Just to be clear, I really have no problem with being a secondary (or even a standby, if that's what was right for that particular relationship), provided the nature of that relationship has the ability to develop on it's own merit. With this new relationship that I'm exploring, many people would see it as a secondary relationship. At this point, I'm not planning on living with him, I'm certainly not going to be having kids with him though I do want to have kids at some point and am actually going to be moving overseas in a couple of months. However, what I really like is that our relationship is developing into what it can and should be for itself. There is no "protecting" his other relationships in this situation because all of the people involved have a high level of trust and understanding that everyone will make choices that honor each other. I don't have to dance around the boundaries and limits of other people or be subject to a set of rules. There's no need because everyone involved is secure enough to communicate their needs and listen to other's needs. This also creates the lovely side effect of getting along well and easily with all my metamours in this situation.
So it's not about being a primary or a secondary or a tertiary or anything like that. It's about how setting rules and protections up around one relationship can stunt the growth of another relationship.