I love the idea of all sitting down and writing or discussing what we expect from this relationship both now and in the future. Something like that could really clear up a lot of miscommunication.
Stuff to read -- enjoy!
I'm very open to trying anything to make this work because I know that he loves her very much and I want him as happy as possible.
Caution on those words.
You cannot MAKE this work. You can only meet reasonable expectations of you or not in polyship. Hold up your responsibilities and your end of the deal. You can give 100% on your end and if the other polypeeps shirk holding up theirs, the polyship will not fly straight or fly at all.
Also don't loose sight of YOUR OWN well being. It is nice you want him to feel happy, but you don't control his happy meter. You can only control how you
behave. Do not lose sight of your OWN reasonable needs being reasonably met.
Setting labels is a hard limit for me only because I personally don't believe in it. She stated that it doesn't mean one is more loved than the other and "thats just how its done." If it wasn't such a big deal than why is she pushing so hard to be primary?
That is only ONE way how it is done. There are as many ways to "do" poly as there are poly people.
I'm sure she has insecurities just as I do and any other person does, but I dont feel like she is working with me here to make this as harmonious as possible. She wants me and him to quit communicating for awhile so they can strengthen their relationship which i find RIDICULOUS.
Working with you how? What is your metamour relationship to her? Isn't he the hinge person? Do you do his communicating to her for him? Are you playing in bounds or out of bounds in your role in this polyship? (Trying to get the sense of what you have there.)
Him and you to quit communicating totally? What does that mean?
Totally shut down your relationship with him? That is unreasonable.
Ask for a time out from the usual dating calendar for 1-2 weeks to sort themselves out on a big problem they have? That's another thing. You'd want the same in return from her right, if you and him had a THING and needed extra time to sort thru? Before returning to the normal dating calendar again.
Or for HIM to stop telling HER what (he and you) talk about? Is that what she means? That's a reasonable request of hers if he's pushing for "all togetherness land" in this "V" and she prefers to be in "separate but equal" land. Where you and she are polite metamours who have a Shared Honey but that's about it. No desire for more than that.
Is he oversharing on his part? Is that driving this need to be "primary" because hearing TMI is making her feel wiggy?
You and him broke up. Her position is the "current gf welcomed the ex-gf into polyship" -- just how welcome was it? Is he playing you off each other?