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Old 09-24-2012, 06:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,118
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You guys all agreed to polyship without defining the shape. You all assumed it would be whatever. Now you come to find there are probs from having assumed.

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Now she DEMANDING that she needs to be the primary and I the secondary.
She is allowed to state her needs to the polyship. (Though being all demand-y and GRR is not flattering. What is that speaking to? Jealous? Insecure?)

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Our bf doesn't agree and neither do I.
Two people in the polyship have a HARD LIMIT in response to the NEED raised by the first person. That no, this is NOT a need of hers that will be possible to grant. You guys want your polyship shape to be co-primary "V" shape.

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She says it WONT WORK if there isn't a primary and secondary.
She is correct. If she is stating a NEED of hers that she needs fulfilled in order to be happy in this polyship? She will not be happy in this co-primary shape and it will not work out for her to stay in a place where she is unhappy and unfulfilled.

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Does anyone have an advice on how this could be handled. I'm almost to the point of just walking away. Please HELP!
If you guys have a HARD LIMIT there on being able to provide this, it is now on her to determine is this is something she can live without or not.

Only she can answer this for herself:

Is this need a hard limit? (If so, why agree to the polyship at the start?)

Is this need a soft limit?

Is this need actually a want?

What's that all speaking to?

Basically you and BF can tell her you are sorry she feels that way.

You are willing to embrace her in a co-primary V model where there is no hierarchy thing. You are not willing to be in a hierarchy shape polyship. This is your Hard Limit. If this is about something you CAN help with -- like support working through jealous/insecure/whatever it is, you can try.

He is willing to embrace her in a co-primary V model where there is no hierarchy thing. He is not willing to be in a hierarchy shape polyship. This is his Hard Limit. (Is it?) If this is about something he CAN help with -- like support working through jealous/insecure/whatever it is, he can try.

But you need the final word from her -- IS THIS A HARD LIMIT FOR YOU? The need to be primary?

She has to decide what she wants for her best happiness. You will respect her wishes. Please let you / him know what she has decided. If she comes to find that YES it is a hard limit?

You all have to break up this polyship. Then everyone can move on to a healing space and be free to hopefully find their future happiness.

That's about it. When you want different polyship shapes and the people have hard limits on that shape then the only ethical thing is to break up. Because you just do not match up on that and there is nothing else to be done.

How it reduces I do not know.

(Her + Him ) and then you how it was before you came back? Or everyone singles.

My advice for next time in polyship? Do not agree to fly together in polyship until you all agree what kind of open relationship model you are all agreeing to be in.

Hang in there!

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-24-2012 at 08:34 PM.
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