Originally Posted by nycindie
- Go over your finances with him. Know what's happening and where every penny is going so he doesn't have to shoulder all the responsibility, and the worrying and strategizing that goes on when money is tight. You, as his partner, should not be in the dark about such things anyway! You don't have to stress about it, just understand your situation so you can budget and plan things accordingly. What are you so scared and stressed about finding out? Whatever it is, you can handle it. If I were you, I'd approach it like a game you want to learn, and with lots of enthusiasm: Invi's Financial Education! Yay, what fun! [seriously!]
- Dig deep into your fears and insecurities, and discuss poly and all the possible ramifications it holds for you. Talk about how you feel regarding his desire for girlfriends, and how his dating affects you. You can't just go along with it, squeeze your eyes shut, wish it wasn't happening, and expect things to go smoothly. Avoidance does you no good. You agreed to poly just to make him happy, but your heart's not in it, and you don't really like it. Perhaps some renegotiating is in order. Maybe you need to put a hold on it til you both improve your communication skills and you work through some of the other issues you have going on. And then come back to it when you have a stronger, more equal partnership, and less unwillingness to face your fears.
On finances, me not being involved is his choice.
I have no fear of dealing with the finances myself. I can manage money. I just get anxious when things are tight, regardless of which one of us is doing the budgeting.
He occasionally mentions something when he's actively working on the budget, but that's about it. He knows I would listen if he wanted to talk about it.
For the record, we're not married. Just want to put that out there.
A lot of my fears are hard for me to articulate, and the ones I manage to get out into words are about things that could happen, but not things he's actually looking for.
I don't really think we can negotiate much further.
He goes out once or twice a week, if that. Less so recently, cancellations and such. We have one date night a week to ourselves with no communicating with other girls.
I suggested closing for a few months to work on us, but he was not particularly receptive to the idea. He said he'd consider it, and it hasn't been talked about since. That was on the 9th, I think.
I'm trying to face things, but it feels like I have to face everything at once, and I just can't bring myself to do that. Right now I'm working on keeping myself occupied while he is out, and not reacting negatively when he is talking to girls when he's at home. The latter is proving more difficult overall, unless I start to think about what they may be doing when he's out. Then it's harder to get back to a neutral place.
I understand he views sex differently depending on who is is having sex with at the time (vs overall), but it's difficult for me to see it that way.
For me, sex is sex when it's casual and you're not in a relationship. No big deal. When in a relationship, it's special, and helps with bonding.
I can not have both of these at once without the former threatening the latter, in my head.
I suppose that's a case of cognitive dissonance on my part.
I know I have a lot of growing to do.