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Old 09-24-2012, 04:59 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
In your case, if your SO feels like he has to keep your mood up, to be the optimist in the family, that could get burdensome.
Especially if he has no outlet to release some of the stress and frustration he feels.

Originally Posted by Invi View Post
Told me it was flaky girls, finances, and some other things getting him down . . .

So I'm at a loss.
He doesn't like me worrying about our finances, because it stresses me out hardcore when I do, so I let him deal with it all . . . So we don't really talk about that.

We don't usually talk about the girls he dates because the topic is not a pleasant one for me, though I've been more inquisitive the last couple days, thinking maybe it would help since I've been pretty down lately.
Originally Posted by Invi View Post
We live about 1300 miles away from my friends and family (he doesn't have any here, either). I don't really go out.
So, you two are isolated without friends, family, and low on funds. You've really only got each other to talk to, and you feel that communication is not something you're good at. I bet you are much better at it than you think - you just don't like the subject matter. He needs to, but cannot, talk to you about the two main things that have him upset and depressed. If you want to help him through this (and it's obvious you do), and if you want to get better at communicating, well... you have to start talking. Stop thinking of yourself as so fragile and unable to handle the things you're afraid of. You can do this.

I understand you just had a baby, and are focused on being a mom, but it would behoove you both to sit down together and:
  1. Go over your finances with him. Know what's happening and where every penny is going so he doesn't have to shoulder all the responsibility, and the worrying and strategizing that goes on when money is tight. You, as his partner, should not be in the dark about such things anyway! You don't have to stress about it, just understand your situation so you can budget and plan things accordingly. What are you so scared and stressed about finding out? Whatever it is, you can handle it. If I were you, I'd approach it like a game you want to learn, and with lots of enthusiasm: Invi's Financial Education! Yay, what fun! [seriously!]

    I have a friend who was clueless about money until six months ago when she chose to learn as much as she could -- and now talking about it turns her on! She knows what she needs to feel secure, she has a grasp of concepts that seemed foreign to her before, and she is so confident and proud of herself. Start watching all those money shows on TV, get informed, don't let your husband feel so adrift, alone, and protective over you about something that is so important. Finances are the #1 reason couples get divorced - that's not to say that you're heading for that, but you really don't want to be clueless like Cher was when she and Sonny broke up. When my ex and I were together, he made most of the income, but I handled all the bill-paying and balancing the checkbook. He didn't want to know what was going on, but I would go to him and tell him every now and then whenever we had to watch our spending - and he would freak out! But if he had known all along, he wouldn't have freaked. Knowledge is power! A friend just helped me put a budget together, and I'm so broke it ain't funny, but now I have a plan and when I saw it in black and white, I felt relieved, because the unknown is what is most scary and overwhelming. It could be fun for you both to do together!

    In your other thread, you had mentioned that he doesn't help much with the housework or the baby, but if you could help with checkbook or be aware of the finances, maybe he will feel more partnerish and step up in those areas.

  2. Dig deep into your fears and insecurities, and discuss poly and all the possible ramifications it holds for you. Talk about how you feel regarding his desire for girlfriends, and how his dating affects you. You can't just go along with it, squeeze your eyes shut, wish it wasn't happening, and expect things to go smoothly. Avoidance does you no good. You agreed to poly just to make him happy, but your heart's not in it, and you don't really like it. Perhaps some renegotiating is in order. Maybe you need to put a hold on it til you both improve your communication skills and you work through some of the other issues you have going on. And then come back to it when you have a stronger, more equal partnership, and less unwillingness to face your fears.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 07:45 AM.
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