I can see why most people here don't like DADT. I've actually been thinking about it a lot lately and it's bothering me a lot more than I thought it would. My husband understands it completely- given the way our marriage has evolved, early on his tolerance for communicating about my extramarital activities was quite limited. I had his wholehearted acceptance to do what I wanted, but he just didn't want to hear about it or even really know about it. He generally preferred that I see other men when he was away on business trips (he's gone about 4-5 months a year in blocks of 1-2 weeks at a time).
As we've seen the positive effects on our relationship from opening our marriage, he has relaxed more and his tolerance has grown. He still has his limits and of course I do my best to respect them. I'm sure I haven't always done that great a job, since falling in love was not something that we planned on and that definitely stretched a painful boundary for him, but I really do try. He just needs time sometimes to get used to the idea. He has been much more tolerant than I would have been in his place!
But it hurts me that I can't be more open about my relationship with L. Not like I'd put it on Facebook or anything, but I wish that we could Skype more often, or even just talk on the phone. We can't even use IM some nights because that's too "obvious" if she walks by, that he is talking to another woman. So our usual modus operandi is back and forth emailing. It's a lot harder to have a conversation that way even if response time is fast!
But his wife isn't comfortable with anything that reminds her that he has other women in his life, so we can't do any of that unless she's in bed or not at home. My husband tells me he can fully understand her reticence because it bothered him, too, but his issue was that even though our computers face each other so he can't see what I'm doing, he could always tell from the expression on my face when I was talking to my lover. I'm a very expressive person and I nearly always have a smile on my face when I hear from L.
I just wish it was as easy for him as it was for me. H is out of town, but when he called I asked him if he would mind if I Skyped with L on Tuesday. He said of course it's okay, why was I even asking? L can't do that.
L is such an important part of my life now that I hate it has to stay under wraps. I have very few people who I can tell about him. How could I? H works in a very public profession, and the gossip would have a damaging effect on our livelihood. And I hate being a secret in his life, too. I wish I could meet his wife, even if not to be friends, but just to say hello and spend some time with the most important person in his life. And I want H to meet L, for the same reasons.
I just keep reminding myself that if this is my biggest concern, than I have it pretty good! I still have L in my life, and I wasn't sure that was going to be the case. I have a wonderful marriage with H. And I have a great kid. How can I be unhappy? And I'm really not- just greedy at times
I read back over my thread today, and I saw how my feelings have evolved even just since I've been writing here, which isn't really all that long a time. I feel more secure about L's feelings for me and I don't really worry about him leaving me for someone else. I still worry that his life might just be too busy for us to get much face time, but we'll see how that goes with time.
L has stopped seeing his third girlfriend, although their relationship was much more casual. So now he only sees me, his sub, and of course his wife. He still doesn't have the time he used to, but I feel like he is really trying to give me what I need. H and I are very verbally expressive with each other, so I'm used to sharing my feelings and not keeping things bottled up. I'm also used to hearing them and I think one of the things contributing to my insecurity was just that he and I had different styles of showing feelings. Now he tells me that he loves me and misses me, and even though it's not the same as being in his arms, just hearing him tell me that he wants to be with me can ease some of the sting. And I know I should know it- but it's not the same as hearing it.
I hope I can see him again soon. I'm hoping for early October, but I guess we'll see how it goes.