TALKING ABOUT OPENING UP: APPROACH FROM ARMS DISTANCE AND "LUST"
Mellow night. Went out as a fam and hung out with some friends. Last night we had a date -- a friend played with the kid. We had time to walk and have some talks.
Over nothing much. But still Everything. One of those meandering conversations that touch on various things -- some serious, some not, some meaningful, some just musings.
He remarked to me that he still spends his drives in to work thinking. Most times he thinks about things from a distance. (The Opening up thing)
I had trouble understanding what he meant at first. He was talking too abstract. Picking a topic from the air? I said, "Use kissing. I want an example. I ate too much cake and I'm all sugared up and my brain is all wheee! Cake! But I want to hear
you. What do you MEAN?"
He says he checks in on my blog thread to keep up. Not daily but he reads. He thinks it over.
He says he's not ready to self articulate to himself directly. Like sit and think "How do I feel about kissing?" to himself and then tell me about what he thinks about it.
It's more like from arm's distance so he can feel safer emotionally contemplating it. "How do I feel about talking to Galagirl about kissing?"
But he's still not ready to talk to me. He's busy self articulating some things.
I can understand that. Spiraling around something coming closer and closer upon it before actually pouncing on it and taking it on for a mental wrestle.
He says he loves my being direct and to the point. Well, I like
being direct and to the point. It spares grief all around. But it comes at a price even for me. I still feel it in the gut like "Uggggh" on some topics. But I state my position up front anyway.
Other times I have to spiral around and vulture the thought a while. Brush up near it. Check it out from a safe distance. Think about thinking about it. Pick it up and think it for a bit and when it gets too hot to hold go "Ack! Ok, backing away now. Not ready for more!" and fling it back down. Go off and think something else more pleasant to think about. But I know the thought topic is there. Waiting for me to explore it.
I told him yesterday that even though over the years we've touched on it, and I KNEW that it wasn't a big deal to bring out again, I was having a hard time this summer re-thinking the whole polyamory question again. I had to sit with it a while before asking him to think about it with me.
I was feeling all argh about it for some reason.
I've noted since the start of the summer the volume on that has toned down considerably on certain subjects --
- what are good reasons to open.
- when is a good time to open
- both of us being in agreement and on the same page when we decide to open
- what polyship configurations are my favorites
- fantasizing hot sex scenes for jollies.
- boundaries, limits, expectations
All that stuff is EASY. But that's not the whole convo is it? The academics are always
- Talking about the ultimate price paid if it falls apart -- us breaking up? Vomitous. But the convo must be had. We've had it. Several times. Many times actually over the years. You don't have to be Open/polyshipping to acknowledge the possibility of falling out of love is there. Gotta keep it real.
- Talking about how OUT to be. And to whom. And it doesn't much bother me on siblings or parents but daughter? Ugh. That is vomitous to think -- I'd like to think she'd be cool with it because we raise her to be open to however people want to Love. But what if she isn't when she's grown? She's got the right to think for herself and feel what she feels and what if she wants to end relationship with us over it? Ugh. SOOOO vomitous.
- Talking about dealing with a meta and him having the Spice. Fair is fair. I'll defend his right to have it. Firmly. Even if he doesn't want to exercise the right? He has the right to not exercise! But vomitous all the same to me because a) never had to deal ( I could learn) b) fear of the unknown nutjob. ( I could just HURL!) ARE they a nutjob? Who ARE you there? And can I trust you with my honey?
My jealousy rears up in a way that shocks me and amuses him. I always assumed I was not esp. jealous. I was wrong.
- And jealousy weird? Never realized I was THIS jealous a person. Well, I come to find I AM. I told him point blank years before I just didn't give a rat's ass because he was easily replaceable. A year or two in? That's nothing in relationship. What did I have to be jealous over? Nothing much. Not much invested.
Now that we're talking more like 20 yrs in? Well, now. That's serious investment. It's a whole other ball game.
He also knows I feel like throwing up whenever it comes to topics of emotional intimacy. I loooooathe being vulnerable to new people. I take a looong time to make new friends.
Practical logistics -- like time management? Doesn't bother me nearly as much.
Practical health things? Like birth control or STD risk or similar? Doesn't bother me as much.
It's things mainly in the emotional bucket that wig me out. I stiff arm it a bit too. I know we'll get around to talking out those topics, but yeah. I'm still spiraling some of them. Vulturing. Not ready to pounce and pick it up to examine.
Once upon a time, a long time ago before child I asked him how he'd feel about my dating someone and he said he'd be fine other than wanting to know they aren't crazy because if they end up hurting me and breaking up with me and I'm a mess? He's the one left holding the bag so to speak and he just frowns upon this. He's NOT going to like them at all.
I laughed at the time. I still laugh remembering. He always surprises me with how he answers. But he's pretty firm on emotional things being in order even though he doesn't express it like I do.
He doesn't express jealousy like I do either. He thinks jealousy is neither here nor there and could be used for forces of good. I want him to tell me more of that perspective. Because I think it's a case of pretty bowl/pretty fish. Two different perspectives eventually arriving at the same location, but coming at it from different angles. And sometimes arriving at the same place is good enough, who cares about the approach? But other times... I think it's about the journey and the approach.
I don't want to just know we're on the same page.
I want to know his way of going.
Because I want to know HIM. In full spectrum context. He intrigues me.
I think jealousy is a flag emotion. (BOOKMARK THIS)
Last night he was trying to explain LUST to me and where it comes from for him.
"I love you, I want you, I lust you. The operative word being YOU."
"So desire then."
"Not exactly. It's not like lizard brain. It's like... beastie brain? Still very primal gut oriented but one step up?"
I'm fascinated watching him struggle to articulate this. I don't even know why
he's telling me this.
For me lust is lust. I crave. I'm lusty. I'm libidinous. I have sexual appetite. I go *rowl*!
Usually aimed at him, because he appeals to me and he's my lover. The body bucket is set aflame, and the mind bucket and emotion bucket eagerly want to engage also. Cuz it is HIM! Whee!
Sometimes aimed at me. Because I'm a full, complete, self contained unit. With or without it. I don't buy that idea that you meet your person and they complete you. I think each person is complete in of themselves. A couple is TWO complete people wanting to be together in a Share.
Not broken people coming together to make a whole. I'm not broken. Neither is he.
So yah. Sometimes I'm all lusty *rowl* and I'm gonna scratch my own itch and fly solo. Wheee! Nothing wrong with masturbating.
But I can also experience waves of lust for someone else -- rare, but it happens. It's just pure lust. Nothing more than the body bucket. But I don't act on it because why? It's not worth it to me.
Not just because I'm married and Closed. But because why would I want to have sex with near strangers? That has zero appeal to me. Sex with a loose cannon -- unknown variable person? Ew. It's just easier to confine it to fantasy in my Mind and masturbate to the idea later than actually ACT on it in real life and deal with... some loose cannon. Could be good. Could be horrible. Risk isn't worth it to me.
I'm not too sure how far we got on his "lust" thing or where he's eventually going to go with it. But it interests me. He has HeadThinks in quirky ways sometimes that greatly appeal to me.
And that's another kind of lust or craving -- wanting his HeadThinks for myself. Tell me! Tell me!