Thanks again for all your input. I agreed then that she should know. I could definitely see that if I were her, I'd want to know. So I had no business participating in the holding back of info.
K's response was a mix of all of yours and the one I was most afraid of (that being, her not wanting to know about or be involved in the drama at all, that telling her was going to bring her into something she wasn't interested in being a part of, which would have been a grave concern of its own, but I digress).
Here's an outline of her response:
- Appreciated being brought into the loop
- Understood why we didn't tell her at bootcamp, and appreciated that, since it was a high-stress situation
- Did not appreciate / made her feel shitty that we didn't tell her right away after she got out of bootcamp (we waited a week or so to tell her)
- Was sad to hear there was trust broken in a relationship that used to have so much trust (this is sad for all of us)
- Wanted to know how/if it changed our desire to be with her (it does not)
- Said she's still nuts about us and will continue to be in our lives if we want her to be (duh)
- But that what happens between G and I is ultimately for G and I to sort out
- And she cares about is and is here for us no matter what.
Pretty much the best possible outcome, I think. And G laid down her arms to be honest, sort of... she DID insist I be the one to break the news. Which is better, I think, but still pretty avoid-y. I was fair, true to the story, and let her have space to add her side, and she was fair about that as well.
So now all three of us know all of the things again! And we're much happier for it. Honestly you guys, I feel 100 pounds lighter. I even feel better about the overall cheating scars. Like, I feel closer to healing, just having looped K in. Her response was so reassuring for me (and I think G too) to show us that even though this one part of our polyship failed, the other part is still growing in positive ways. And I think it was good for G to see that being honest with a partner doesn't automatically incur a breakup/emotional disaster.
Obviously, there is a lot of work left to do. But I feel good about it. Thanks again for all of your help, you guys are really amazing. There should be a forum like this for everything in life! (But then I'd just spend my life in forums all day, hah.)