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Old 09-21-2012, 04:49 PM
PiperDown PiperDown is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: OKC, OK
Posts: 17

Well, to answer some of the questions...

My husband and I have been together 4 1/2 years, married for 2 1/2, and realized that what we were feeling was polyamory back around the beginning of this year. Really though, that was just when we discovered a name for it. At first it was just unicorn hunting, but it quickly evolved.

That long conversation that brought us to this initial agreement was over a period of a few days. It was thoroughly discussed, but I was not eager to upset this strange new balance we were reaching by demanding rights to something that I didn't even intend to pursue at that time. I did realize the possibility for the need for it in the future, but was being silly at the time and decided to put it off for another day. Obviously that was a bad idea, given my current situation.

At the moment he does not have a girlfriend or even anyone he is seriously talking to. Part of our agreement is that there will not be frivolous sex- only sex once we are actually dating someone. As that is not really my husband's style, he has been taking it slow. I'm sure that in time if that clause were to be removed, he would probably meet and have sex with a lot of women, and eventually find one he connects with well enough to date. I have seriously considered starting the discussion of removing it, but I feel he would view it as me wanting it lifted so that I could go off and have a bunch of sex, but that isn't the case.

He told me that two of his reasons for not wanting our agreement to change at this point is because we are in the process of looking for a house to buy, and also because we are trying to have a baby together. I explained that I am all on board with having the baby, and even if were to be dating someone, I'd choose to wait to have sex until my husband and I had conceived and everything was going fine with that. I do not want the risk of having someone else's child. I think that in his mind, dating is much more intertwined with sex than it is in mine. Our dating would certainly point to that being the case. As for the concern about the house, I also explained that I wouldn't be using our money towards dates that should be going towards our down payment. I am a very laid back person, and don't need flashy dates to get to know someone. A walk in the park, a picnic, a day at the lake... all perfectly acceptable dates that require no money. Actually I find things like that much preferred to things like movies and clubs. But since those are his concerns, I did agree to wait until those two things are squared away before bringing this up again, so I've got another 4 months or so to go.

As for any other concerns he has, he is unable to voice them. He just keeps saying that he isn't comfortable with it. To me that speaks to a worry that I will be stolen away (which I've always assured him is not an option. I am poly just for that very reason. I can love more people, so why would I have to give up someone I love?) or a general dislike to the idea of me having sex with another man. Why that would be, I don't know. Maybe he is worried I'll enjoy them more? Just pure male pride? All is conjecture since he hasn't been able to describe why he is uncomfortable with it.

As for the statement that my new attraction might not be available down the road... his family is here, and he was only out of state while attending college. It's pretty safe to say that he isn't going anywhere for quite a long time. Also, he is already in another relationship, but is able to date me as well, so I don't have to worry about him being 'off the market' or anything.

I think that about covers it. The parts I have the answers for anyway. I do intend to show him this thread, and ask him the other questions you've given me as ideas. I really appreciate your help! I think that I will just have to wait until these 2 main issues end up getting sorted out. 4 months isn't so long that I can't live with. In the meantime, I will still be talking to this new friend, and my husband is aware of that.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

Last edited by PiperDown; 09-21-2012 at 04:52 PM.
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