*sighing with full heartache*
((((((((Big Hugs))))))) you sound so similar to the woman i love the most in this world aside from my late wifey, and it hurts my heart to know she hurts so much, I wish I could erase all your pain just like I'd take hers away
I've heard thsi all before, my general advice would be get out, leave him, but I suspect your not about to listen to that either, so, how about this? your hands are tied you love this man with all your being, and perhaps he truly does love you as best as he can, and simply doesn't know how to care for your heart as well as someone else might
heres a hopefully helpful thought, find something just for you, a new best friend, a new love, a new routine, a new hobby, let it fill up all the time when hes away, and maybe some time when he is there, let him know your not going to sit idle while he is off doing whatever he wants, keep your friends close, go spend time with them when your man is out and about, perhaps it wont really take the pain away, but it can be distracting til you find something to take your mind off it, at least stop letting him call all the shots, give yourself somehting to be happy about that doesn't involve him at all
you sound as though youve made up your mind about staying with him, i'll respect that, now, find somehting to do right this very minute, invite friends over, or go spend the holidays with them or family if their close by, just dont be alone, too much alone time is not good for anyones mind, find somehting to make you happy while he is away, you dont have to be happy for him, just be happy for you, your friends, your family, find someone to spend the holidays with and fill your mind with anythign but idle thoughts, give yourself a big hug and go do somehting totally for you NOW!