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Old 09-21-2012, 12:24 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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PROCEED WITH CAUTION : STRESS / ANXIETY CALMING DOWN

Yup. It is what it is.

I emailed DH a few times to sync up the plan. He took care of picking up the produce box on the way home.

I streamlined dinner by ordering pizza and kept moving what I could of the house forward. I moved mopping to another day, and focused on the biggest impacts in the home for declutter and vac.

A friend who was over lent a hand. I am grateful for the aid.

Did the school thing but ducked out early as the compromise so child could have it but the parents could move it to bed. Because we knew we'd duck out early, I did enjoy the time we spent and the dread factor lifted.

Struggle with child homework (too bouncy to pay attention from the school teacher night thing) I solved first by having DH try because kid had been making me nuts. Took friend home. He also reported struggle and I decided to use a free homework pass. There. Prob solved enough for now -- kid to bath.

I wanted to eat chocolate -- PMS cravings. I skipped it and promised myself all the fruit I wanted out of the produce box for smoothie later.

My ear started doing the fluttery thing again. Doc suggested sudafed but I wonder if it is wheat/milk allergy clog or what? (the pizza?) I was not having it before. I need to food log to see.

It was a full, full day. Largely of house and child minutia but it needs doing and tending.

I also tended to myself and my needs. I have not flooded and my stress is coming down. Every time I wanted to go "GRRR!" or "OH NO!" I told myself "You can handle it. You can handle whatever crazy. Adapt. Flex. Change. Minimize. Reduce. Doesn't have to be perfect, just good enough. Keep moving it forward. You can handle it. You have handled way worse. You can do it."

I made it. Yay. All buckets intact -- my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health buckets. Not perfection, but minimal slosh on a rough, taxing day. And I did NOT stress, anxiety, panic attack or emotionally flood.

And that includes the garage freezer wigging out and the washer spilling water all over the place for extra fun and games today.

I handled it. I remembered to BREATHE.

Maybe some tea to celebrate after a nice long bath. Whew. Go me!

~GalaGirl
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ETA: Turned out to be OJ after a shower with DH.

We shared out days and checked in. I was mindful of the mistake from earlier and caught myself and him going deep before completing buckets. I prompted him to finish his. I finished mine. The overview to calibrate.

I had explained I was feeling worried about family in the heart bucket. All this elder parent stuff.

So when I went deeper in there, and I found some UGH that I wanted to air out, we both knew I was already a bit sloshy in that bucket. I expressed some disappointments and worries and we ran close to a GRRR place.

Mindful of the emotional flooding thing, I jerked my own leash back from that GRR place. I informed him I wanted to reach the end of the sentence before hearing feedback. He allowed me to finish. I got to finish.

He expressed his feedback. I digested it it a bit and gave initial impressions. I will now mull it over at my leisure, having taken in on board. I will give fuller impressions later down.

I suggested we hold up hands to take fair turns speaking. He said that was fair.

There. Potential mixed drug (sorrow over parents + frustrated with parents + frustrated at DH not letting me get to end of sentence) spotted and NOT allowed to touch each other. There. Potential emotional flooding thing avoided because emotions were not allowed to mix and go kaboom!

Yay! Go us!

TAKE HOME LESSON:

He and I know full well we are NOT at our best at the end of the day for reconnection, but it cannot happen any other time. So we deal. Emotional intimacy is too important in a marriage to skip it because of tiredness. Just gotta look out for minefields.


Complete bucket checks FIRST helped. Def keep that!

I was proud of me for remembering to complete those. (I wonder if he remembered too and I just beat him to it or he forgot? I have to ask him.)

I deliberately and intentionally stated my thing with the word "Hypothesis: blah blah blah."

When he started to interrupt, I held my anger leash. I listened enough to get a sense of his statement. Because I'd had complete buckets from him and I new he was mentally fried himself. So I was primed to listen harder to him. Still holding my anger leash, I reminded him that I did state the word hypothesis this time, did I not? So bear with me and hear me out here. Reality testing and feedback time will follow. Hang on, horsie!

He owned it, let me continue. Then finished his feedback at the end where I was more receptive and able to listen to him fully present. Even though I was tired too. Def keep the word hypothesis!
Useful feedback on willing to try raising hands.
We will try that next time. I know he sometimes feel like he doesn't get a turn. He won't -- not when I flood. I'm trying not to flood at him, so work with me so I can give you your fair turn like you deserve. I'm trying to make space for your needs too in a way we both can deal with.
That was VERY hard on my already fried mental health bucket brain. He came in here a minute ago to check on me (after care) and kissed my ears and wandered off. I feel good. Just brain not up for more hard core thinking today.

I do appreciate him. We get the hang of it. One bit at a time.

The kid's science teacher asked at the teacher night where kid gets her passion for maths and sciences. DH and I looked at each other and laughed. I told her teacher we both geek out. We're not surprised.

DH says I'm very good an emotional management. I don't know about that. I do know I handle it / myself a lot differently than when we first met. Both to better myself and in service to the larger relationship between us. I want to be with him. I can't be with him if I'm running around still like the hot head I used to be in my early 20's! That is not being the best partner I can be to him.

I try to own it. Sometimes it is easier than others. This emotional flooding thing is HARD.

I like using practical, logical tools to deal in the nebulous that is emotion.

So bookmark -- the scientific method as applied to emotions in relationships.

How's THAT for sexy talk with your hunny bunny? Haha.

G.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-21-2012 at 05:53 AM.
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