Originally Posted by nycindie
What does he say if the woman asks him on a second date? Is that when he uses your second example?
I'm perfectly fine with him saying "I'd like that, but my wife and I always have a check in before we arrange second dates with people, so can I get back to you later tonight/tomorrow?" I don't really care what he says as long as he sticks to agreements he makes with any partners he has. I love knowing what current agreements people have in place with their partners that might affect me, and sharing mine with them so everybody can decide if they want to get involved. I've certainly noticed trends in the feelings on this subject from unpartnered people vs people with kids vs people who already have two or more partners. I can see how a "must check with my partner first" would make somebody wonder if this would be a situation where somebody was always
going to have to "check" but a coffee or lunch date isn't always conducive to that talk (and our first dates are almost always coffee dates to save money and for easy escapes)
Our check-ins are
before second date is made
before genitals get involved
if we want the relationship to involve kink (applicable to me only, both to make sure Adam can say if he has concerns with the person, and to give a heads up that I might show up with bruises or whatnot)
to discuss if we want to change from our basic safe sex rules to anything less barriered so changes in risks can be discussed with anybody we are already dating
if we're like "hey I think I'm falling in love with this person"
before we start making plans to take a vacation with another partner or things that would be budget stretching
if we want to see somebody more than twice a week to both check how the other person feels emotionally with that, and to discuss if it would negatively impact getting our share of the housework done or other life stuff at that time.
However the second example would be smart
to use - one of the second dates he made, he already had made plans with somebody else for that day so had to immediately cancel anyway (which looks flaky). If he'd waited to come home and check in, I would've reminded him when he was available to see her - since I act as his secretary for his social life and often have to trouble shoot him double booking or not showing up for something. He doesn't keep a schedule on his phone, rarely remembers to write things down on a calendar without being told to go write it down, and usually doesn't know what plans he has at any given time, but doesn't seem to have a desire to change his ways to avoid situations like that.
I have thought about staying out of it entirely, but I want him to succeed, and I hate the idea of not following thought on plans, whether its a date or having to pay for a dentist visit he forgot to show up to!
I could've just responded with "yes" huh?