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Old 09-19-2012, 09:44 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Funny you should say that because I was asked to join a troupe that's starting up and they are looking for a name. Burlesque mayhem would be a good name for a troupe too!

I spent a good deal of time with Mono this weekend. We do well together when we have long periods of time together. Its something we have very rarely had, but we become, well, very mono with each other. This past weekend was no different. We went to a four day music festival and saw a ton of bands we like in concert. A rare treat.

Apart from the wonderful time together we had there was a night of fighting. He told me his female friend had a new friend she was going to movies with and spending time with. I asked him how he felt about it and he shrugged it off. I could see there was more going on than a shrug off so I asked if he was sad, regretful that he hadn't worked with me about spending time with her, disappointed, angry. He said something along the lines of it not being worth the effort it would take to process and that it required too much work and he doesn't like work. Everything with me is work. I took this personally that I had made it that way and that if I had only been able to shut up and suck it up, he would be able to spend time with her.

The conversation hurt and he and I ended up not talking to each other for the last half of the band we were watching. Later, I remembered our discussion about my not seeing everything as his not loving me and that he isn't going to leave and I told him I decided to drop the whole thing. I wasn't going to let his words make me feel hurt. I realized he was doing his sabotage routine where-by he creates moments to make me doubt he cares and so I feel like dumping him and leaving. I told him I wouldn't do that and that I wasn't going to put up with that and wouldn't let him make me feel that way with his words. He agreed, he was doing the sabotage thing again and once we established that, we both were on the same page again. After that we were okay again.

Its fear that creates this behaviour for him. Right now there is a lot of fear for him. Fear of what will happen next in his life. The closer he gets to retiring from the navy, the more fear.

Last week I had my first sex date night with Brad. We had played a bit and had been doing some stuff, but not to the extent of having some time and a bedroom! We had his boy for the night and after he was in bed we went to the spare bedroom at his house. It was lovely and long over due, ...but the condom came off. We immediately stopped and accessed (again, as we keep up to date often) where we were at with tests and where our fluid bonded partners were at with test. All good... There are no outstanding concerns. It wasn't a matter of pregnancy either.

My biggest concern, and the one that completely wrecked the mood, was how my other partners would react. Last time that happened (four years ago) they freaked out as I didn't say anything until later and there was much more risk. I told them all right away and to my relief they were all thankful I had spoken up, and weren't too concerned once I explained the circumstance. Derby asked me how I was doing with it and I was grateful she asked. It was touching that she empathized with how I would feel.

Big Libra time coming up for me. Three Libra loves in one month of birthdays. I'm hosting a birthday party for libra's and taking Brad and Derby out to events. Mono got his present early, in the form of a belt he really wanted fixed. I will do something special for him with our family though too.
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