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Old 09-19-2012, 09:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I'm saying I need to feel like he still loves me.
Feelings are feelings. They bubble up as they do. He cannot MAKE you feel anything. He can however, do things you ask of him. You can state your wants, needs, and limits and ask him to meet things. You will try to meet his things in turn. So what's the hit list? What's he supposed to do MORE of? What is he supposed to do LESS of? For him to be in right relationship with you? What about the other way around?
Quote:
I'm really feeling unstable in this relationship, our communication is shallow at this point and it's been effecting me emotionally. He says he wants to fight for our relationship but has no plan on how to do that. Part of me doesn't want to lose him and our connection, but the other part of me is tired of feeling this way and doesn't know how this is going to work for me in the future.
So you now struggle to assess what kind of return on your investment you might get if you continue to be in relationship with Nick.

Well... what does he need to do to be in RIGHT relationship to you? What are your wants, needs, and limits here? Did you think he was supposed to come up with a plan with no input from you?

If there's to be a plan BOTH must have a hand in drafting it out.
  • I feel like I've been polydumped (have you? Or are you assuming? Or fighting the LIMITS imposed by LDR circumstances. You would LIKE to think of him as primary but geography beyond your control has it be what it is.)
  • I feel I have been demoted to secondary relationship. (Why does he have power over you to demote or promote you? "primary" and "secondary" in the way you use it sounds like "loves me more" and "loves me less." )
  • I lost a lot of trust in him (See bungled communication, jealous/insecure stuff above in your original post. I do not blame you for losing trust.)
  • I do not know how he can rebuild it without spending a lot of time at once with me. Every-other-week visits are not going to cut it, especially if they're short, weekend visits. (So are you finding you have a LIMIT for yourself -- no LDR things because you do not like them?)

Nick admits he went about everything all wrong.
  • Has he apologized for communication bungle with how he introduced you to a metamour you did not know existed?
  • Have you forgiven?
  • Have you taken a time out to assess repair-ability of the relationship in a realistic way and what needs repairs? The willingness of both parties to spend time repairing it? <----- You Are Here. Only You and He can Answer That. If he is not willing to come to negotiation table with realistic input and willing to help feed this relationship where it needs feeding with you, there's your answer. Break up. It is a one sided romance.
  • Will you allow opportunity to make ammends and try again? <----- You Think Are Here. Only You can Answer That. But don't jump ahead to here deciding things without full info and assessment of the relationship strength/weak points and what you both plan to do about it. Otherwise you are just signing up for more of the same.

Warning for YOU:
Quote:
I originally told Nick that I would no longer be in a relationship with him if he decided to go live with her.
If it turns out he doesn't want to work with you, accept it. Talk the talk AND walk the walk. Not him talking and you doing all the walking.

You stated a personal limit and then you waffled. Own your OWN limits. This is your SECOND time with him. See clear if you are going in for a third.


Nick insists he wants to fight to keep this relationship alive and healthy.


IF he has apologized.
IF you have forgiven.
IF you have decided to allow him a time out to assess... You could agree to make time to draft a possible plan together.

NOT GET BACK TOGETHER JUST YET. But take a time out to assess if this really is a runner or not, and if so, what needs doing to make it so.

PLAN COULD LIST....


You will be responsible for:
(what is your stuff? How are you to be in right relationship to him?)
He will be responsible for:
(what is his stuff? How is he to be in right relationship to you?)
Things to talk about and come to compromise/agreements --

GENERAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
  • Define the relationship you have together with you. Get on the same page with the same vocab.
  • "Alive and healthy" as WHAT configuration? "Alive and healthy primaries" is different than "Alive and healthy as secondaries."
  • Since you guys use the words primary and secondary -- how the the LDR play in there? You both might WANT to be primary, but if the LDR goes against your own definitions, do you want to be together in the shape it really is in your LDR circumstances? Or not? Can you accept the limitations LDR imposes upon you or not?
  • Define how metamours will play into your lives. Him meeting yours, you meeting his if you wish to be meeting them. (more below)
  • Define how you will deal in future conflict resolution so you both feel you are respected and considered. Not rushed along to "make nice" when you are still feeling ugh and maybe even emotionally flooded. This includes better communication to give the other a heads up that there is potential conflict coming.


He will resolve his Insecure / Jealous of your seeing others.
Since he is seeing others.

Since in LDR you both may feel you need to see others. Since you are limited to every other weekend with each other at best.

How will you be with each other while seeing others? Do you need to meet these others? Or not? How? Sex health being addressed? TMI boundaries for what to share with others about your OWN relationship?
Communication Problems
He will respecting your limits and not push you when you state limits. (Assuming you state them loud and clear. Or are you wishy washy about it? Then it is on you to be clearer. AND him to respect limit.)

He will be more forthcoming in his communication. He will do this by...
A) Calling once a week to check in?
B) Something else? (you fill in blanks.)

SPACE FOR HIM TO PUT HIS THINGS HE'D LIKE FROM YOU


A) ?
B) ?

You don't have to answer those to me. I give them there for YOU to consider and to talk to HIM about in drafting a possible plan.

BOTTOM LINE

Is he willing to take a time out to draft a plan with you to assess the state of the relationship and what needs repair?

Is he willing to sign up for a third try? To make amends, repair, change behaviors, and meet your reasonable wants, needs, and limits in a satisfactory way or not?

Are you willing to meet his reasonable wants, needs, limits? In a satisfactory way? (Do not compromise yourself and do things your heart is not really in.)

Then you know if you can continue or not in a romantic relationship or if you need to break up.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-19-2012 at 10:41 PM.
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