LovingRadiance, very impressive list! I LOVE rule number 7. So simple, and I don't know why I never thought of it. I am certain that D doesn't always present us to partners and potential partners as a united front, which may be at the root of our problems.
Anneintherain, thanks so much for your post. I plan to show it to D and think it will give him some food for thought. I don't believe that D ever said anything bad about me to R. Whether he gave me "good press" is unclear. I know he spoke about the past difficulties we had surrounding the incident with the psychotic woman who threatened my life. R took this information and used it to suggest to him that I had capitalized on these difficulties and used them as a means to limit and control D in his poly practice. I was utterly outraged when I found that out. That one thing, on its own, made me realize that even if she hadn't been vetoed for sexual safety reasons, she and I never could have coexisted happily as metamours anyway.
D really does believe in primary and secondary. We have been married for almost 25 years and he does not want that to change.
I wonder how to plan for another episode like the one we had.