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Old 09-19-2012, 06:26 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,969

Welcome, messymess!

It's good when the other partner(s) show up too to help fill in the gaps.

I agree with Boring -- post here if you want this thread to be turned into a blog thread in the blog area. Or just go start a thread there you both write in and both read so you can move through talks better. I still think you could seek a counselor to help you in this hard transition time AND with the original "together too much" problems.

He suffered the loss of friends a LOT because of this problem -- the need to engage with OTHER PEOPLE. I'm sure there's more to the story -- but you guys living in a bubble with just each other? That's not healthy. You both get cabin fever.

I'm not criticizing either of you. I'm telling you how it appears based on info given from the outside looking it. He asked for feedback - that's how it looks. I know it is Hard to Hear, but there's a lot of hurting people here and being avoidy won't move anything forward.

He was writing all emotionally flooded --- like bllllleaaaaahhhhh! Overwhelmed to the max. Even though you write it from a less emotionally flooded place -- it is still the same things though. Nothing I said changes.

You and your husband guys are together too much -- working from home like that.

Is it possible for one of you to get a job elsewhere? Even without the GF issues this arrangement is rough on your mental health and emotional health and that affects the couple health.
She could straighten up and fly right and be more honest from the start and not so avoidy.
Whether she enjoyed it later or not, she still went ahead with something she didn't want to do for your sake, and ignored a fragile partner person (your DH). That muddies waters and is not contributing to clear communication.
YOU still want them together more than HE or GF want to be together on their own power.

You can't force that. Let it go. It is a LIMIT.
But before I freak her outÖ I was trying to figure out if its something that my husband is even open or ready for. And especially after reading all of this and seeing the way the responses have affected him, Iím pretty sure he is not. Especially since I donít see him having the patience to wait for her to come around without feeling rejected. I donít want him to ever feel rejected.
He needs to state his limits clearly. Out loud.
"I cannot handle polyamory with your cheating partner. I cannot handle polyamory at all." He could straighten up and fly right by being firmer on his limits. Talk the talk and walk the walk. Not say/want one thing but be doing another. That does not contribute to clear communication.

When he does it? YOU need to LISTEN.
Otherwise you are still trying ostrich and ignore him to force fit something that just doesn't want to go there naturally. You are trying to polyamory-ify a cheating affair.

At best it might be a V if the trio talks and comes to terms, but when all the players are NOT in agreement?

You prolong suffering because you want to have them both and basically YOU don't want to decide. Going against their will and best health (mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health) for what? Your own greedy selfish? Being avoidy on your ethics?

You guys still must talk. In trio in the same room. Not you being the middle mand. Choose to end the suffering for all with intention.
First, you are already stressed as the hinge person. You don't need to get into a "he said she said" deal. Talk in trio in the same room, avoid triangulation muddy communication waters.

No it is not fun. Do it anyway.

Because if the trio avoids talking in trio? Eventually he will choose to end the suffering and walk away from all this because he is redlining. Or she will.
Each of you must be totally honest in trio talk and state your clear wants, needs, and limits. Accept some things will NOT match up.

Where is the compromise? Where is the best solution for ALL -- in all the health buckets? Not just one player or two players, but ALL players?

Do you have to have her over? Can't see her on Fridays at HER place and not have her see him? Would that work for you? For him? For GF?

Can he live with your being friends but not lovers? Can YOU live with being friends with her but not lovers? Can she?

Is it best for all players to call this thing quits even it sucks? Because the thing just does not match up and will not fly? Stop trying to make it fly.

Some choices in life are not win or lose. But this choice sucks and that choice sucks. Which sucks the least? Choosing together to break up or going on with endless suffering til someone blows a gasket?
I donít see him ever being able to handle the ďVĒ thing, and I wouldnít want to ever get more than he was. Iím struggling to see how that even works for people without the ends of the V feeling a little empty or less special.
Because the V ends SIGN UP for that kind of relationship from the get go. They want it and that arrangement feeds their needs. They do not have it foisted upon them.

What you have is a cheating affair and trying to polyamory-ify it. (In that article you would be the cheating husband. He would be the wife. ) That's whole other story than all players choosing a V shape polyship for themselves.

The odds of a polyship all working out from a cheating start are not great. If all parties are willing to try -- maybe. It is not impossible. But all players have to really want to do the work to rebuild broken trust, and the original issues before the affair.

Again -- I know what I wrote may be Hard to Hear.

If you love him most, end it with her if it turns out that is HIS hard limit. But he needs to tell you what his hard limit is and not go along with things compromising himself just because he wants to get a threesome or finally be with his crush or have some kind of revenge affair.

If it is a soft limit -- he needs to articulate what he can and cannot tolerate once and for all. You guys just friends? Ok, you pony up losing the lover part of it. So does she. What does he pony up? Working on forgiveness? Or is he going to hold it against you forever?

He has to straighten up and fly right. State and obey his own limitations.

You and GF need to recognize that your continued affair (now in front of his face) is causing him pain. She's just as guilty for the cheating as you are -- it takes two to tango. STOP the affair. You keep ON going with it knowing he is in fragile mental health -- what's that say about you two?

Everyone in time out for Trio Talks. It isn't just him straightening up. The ladies must straighten themselves up and fly right too. You are being awful to him. It's not flattering to either you or the GF. The affair is OVER.

Now you must CHOOSE.

You guys could talk as a trio to see where this is going to go from this point.

Make the apologies that need to be made to the right people, from the right place.

Talk in trio -- sort yourselves out. IF after a break to deal with the process of grief, he finds he is open to your trying to date again, this time from an Open and Honest place? Then start a NEW relationship with her. And slow it way down this time and take the time to check on each other's health buckets more.

If that is a LIMIT and it is just not possible? You must accept this and decide -- break up with her, break up with him, or break up with BOTH. Then pick up the pieces of whatever it is you are at.

I truly hope you guys get to better footing, in whatever shape the next configuration is to be.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-19-2012 at 06:49 PM.
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