Thread: Vicki's Journey
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Old 09-19-2012, 04:18 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Niagara Falls, NY
Posts: 207

Lots of conflicting emotions the past few days. The bottom line is that his wife got wonderful news and her condition has stabilized. So, that axe didn't fall. I am so glad that she is okay and that he doesn't have that huge worry. I don't even know how I would function if I was worried like that about H.

And of course, selfishly, I am glad that our relationship doesn't have to go on the back burner. I would have understood if it had to, but it would have been emotionally devastating.

L is such a wonderful man. I am not sure how I could possibly have gotten so lucky. He made sure to talk to me Monday night and see how I was doing even though I know he had lots of important things to do.

Last night, I think all the accumulated tension got to me and I just had an emotional meltdown, though. H is out of town and I am craving physical touch, which I am not going to get. I'm the sole caretaker for our toddler and he's been sick, and neither of us is getting much sleep. Add that to some PMS mood swings and the drop from being so overwrought the past couple of days and I guess I should have seen it coming. I was just shaking and couldn't deal with things. Thank goodness for technology because I reached out to both H and L and they both gave me reassurance and told me they love me. I really needed it.

When I can't have physical contact, sometimes a really long hot shower helps. I came out when I turned into a prune and couldn't stand the heat anymore and put on my favourite comfy pajamas, and curled up on the couch to watch chick flicks with a bowl of fruit cocktail (great substitute for ice cream, actually). The distraction helped... and by the time the movie was over, the negative feelings had vanished and were just replaced by contentment and happiness, and overwhelming love for both the men in my life. I wrote them each an email telling them how much I love and appreciate them.

I feel like I've been riding a roller coaster lately. I know I still won't get much of L's time for the next few weeks while he wraps up the home renovations, and that he still is overloaded with work responsibilities as he learns how to handle his new position and needs to hire another guy. But I know this too shall pass. We can't see each other anywhere near as often as I would like, but just having him in my life at all makes me feel privileged.

Not to mention how having H in my life makes me feel. How many husbands would be supportive of their wives being a basket case over fear of losing their lovers? How many husbands sit at home and take care of the kids so that their wives can go spend the weekend with a lover? I know many here do, but it's certainly not a commonplace event in the "regular" world! My husband even agreed to pick up a Christmas gift I ordered for my lover- I stumbled across the perfect thing online but they don't ship to Canada, so on his next business trip he is going to get it for me. And keep in mind, my husband is NOT poly; he doesn't even have casual sex. He is truly mono at heart and wants no one but me.

Which leads me into what I wrote him last night. I was in tears when I wrote it out for him. Maybe my soul really is polyamorous and I just didn't know it. I feel like all my life I have been denying who I am and what I need, because it's just not socially acceptable to have intimate connections with opposite sex people you aren't married to (if you're married). I've always been the kind of person who craved and needs at least emotionally intimate connections, even if they don't cross the line into physical connections. And all of my closest friends are men.

H has been telling me for months that he feels like our marriage has gotten so much stronger since I started seeing other men. He tells me that I always used to seem so unhappy at heart, and now he can tell that I am really, truly happy on the inside. And because I am happy, I am a better wife. I am more relaxed and accepting, I give more freely, and I have the energy to support him in his needs. We've fallen in love again so deeply, after 8 years of marriage and nearly 12 years together. I told him that our marriage has all the passion, excitement, and desire of a new relationship combined with the comfort, security, and enduring love of a marriage. How can it get any better than that?

I just feel so validated and accepted for who I am. I really needed this, and I am so lucky that I found a man who is able to accept that and allow me to grow the way I need to be happy.

All I know is that it feels like a miracle that I have not one but two men who love me and care about me deeply. I don't know how I could have gotten so lucky. It feels like my heart will overflow.

I didn't go looking for this type of relationship with L... but I'm glad I found it. I used to think I knew where I was going in life, and now I can say I really have no idea. But I just want to smile and enjoy the ride and see where it goes.
Me: 34 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People:
Henry, 30yrs, my collared submissive, cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
Mark/StbxH, my exhusband of ten years, finally divorced.

Last edited by Vicki82; 09-19-2012 at 05:00 PM.
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