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Old 09-19-2012, 08:29 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Location: Seattle-ish
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@LovingRadiance - going to read that list in detail later!

I just thought I'd throw in - anybody who I didn't have a close relationship to who talked badly about my partner/s is not a viable dating candidate for me, that would be an early (hopefully never to happen veto -if the person involved with the shit talker didn't run like hell) end to any relationship, and that goes in both directions, I'd never want somebody in my life who would disrespect other relationships I had. However, if it happened the WHY of talking shit would be of paramount interest to me.

I hope when I meet somebody new I talk more about the positives of a current partner than the struggles - but if I neglected to do that, and a new person latched onto our "issues" and thought they had some permission to start giving unasked for advice about our dynamic (whether it be in a cowboy/girl intent or not) no way I'd be dating them ... One thing I look for in partners is that they say nice things about their current partners. The jist of this thread is I get the impression D is not giving you rave reviews during initial dates with a new person, and that would be the crux of the issue for me - if somebody who lives with me doesn't think I'm awesome enough to tell everybody how awesome I am, what the hell is going on with that? If he thinks I am awesome, why the fuck is he giving some stranger personal information about me that would cause them to say negative things about me?

so you asked for relevant advice...
1. D needs that individual counseling.

2. My husband has agreed to things, then broken them, all of them pretty minor in the scheme of things, but major to me because of my history AND the fact that because of my history, I try to pin down agreements specifically to avoid having broken agreements happen. His behavior has still been kinda crappy at times - defending a new partner's spiritual beliefs when I was giggling while he told me about them - I was giggling that HE of all people was discussing spiritual beliefs at all, not about her - but he assumed I was insulting her, and didn't give me the benefit of the doubt, which spoke volumes about something WE had to work on between us, not the other relationship. No matter how big or small, its important to me my partners think I'm a good person and have my back (unless I've gone off the reservation and lost my sanity)

3. D's reluctance to agree that somebody who caused discord between you should not be a potential partner would be VERY scary to me, especially as he's defending a hypothetical unknown person, and it wasn't about somebody he likes that you have differing opinions on the intent of. He seems to be defending his desire to choose what he wants, and isn't so much of a "primary relationship comes first" person. That attitude has more cons when a primary relationship happens to already be in place, not so much a problem when you enter into a relationship knowing that is what to expect, but it'd be a deal breaker for me to have a husband/fiance/agreed to lifelong partner take that attitude. As you state clearly you don't think you can handle one more episode like this, but D doesn't seem to care enough to actively want to avoid an episode like that from happening, I'll be really pessimistic and suggest you start planning for the likelihood it will happen again.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 09-19-2012 at 09:36 AM.
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